


Monsters

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, First Time, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2004-06-23
Packaged: 2018-05-18 21:25:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5943622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius learns that while there is a little monster in all of us, desire and control do not define love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Are they only creatures of the dark? / Or can we see them in the light? / They are what hides inside our soul / Our own internal fight.

Monsters come in many shapes / Some fight to right a wrong / Many plan their own escape / Ere we become too strong

Jealously can be a beast / Or, unrequited love / To feel our heart rejected / Sans olive branch, or dove

We all are monsters truly / All have this fight to face / Lest we become our own dark self / And quickly fall from grace

But if we understand the fight / And strive to know the beast / Our heart and soul will overflow / When love's expected least 

Prologue

And suddenly my arms were around him. A brotherly hug had the power to change my life, from that of mere existence, to one of unexpected possibilities. It's ironic; a friendship that had nearly been extinguished in this wretched shack was now aflame with forgiveness and hope. Even my virtually disastrous transformation and the events that followed could not cloud the newfound understanding of my lonely past.

++++Two weeks after POA++++

"What are your plans?" asked Albus Dumbledore comfortably seated in Remus Lupin's unusually cluttered living room. From the state of disarray, he assumed Remus did not plan on remaining in his present home. "I'm finally ready to face the past," Lupin confided. Albus knew this meant a long avoided trip to Australia was in the werewolf's future. "It's been thirteen years since I've been there," Remus continued quietly, amber eyes clouded with emotion. "I need to go through things properly. I believe I finally understand the meaning of her words". Dumbledore nodded, he had been by Remus's side when she had spoken them and he knew the young werewolf had not grasped the deeper meaning of the simple farewell. Dumbledore gently asked the question he found burning in his mind. "Will you bring them back with you?" "Yes" replied Remus hoarsely, eyes fixed on a rustic framed muggle photograph, "all of them". "Remus, if while you are there, you find you need company please contact me. I would not be able to stay long, but I will come if you call." Remus smiled his appreciation. Eloquent, as he was, words would not form above the long suppressed memories invading his heart. They had finally escaped their prison from deep within his soul, much as Sirius had finally escaped his undeserving hell.


	2. Padfoot-Vs-Monster, Sirius Remembers

How can I possibly stay with him? The large black dog questioned over and over in his mind, almost as the beginning of a cadence. The last time we were completely alone, for any length of time, was two hours before the last full moon of our sixth year. I had already betrayed him to Snape, but still I looked into glowing golden eyes and said I\\\\\\\\\\\'d meet him shortly. The next time I saw him he was near death and the reason I risked his life was no longer a secret dream, but my private nightmare.

Remus dated rarely during our sixth year but certainly not due to lack of admiring females. The werewolf was stunning in both face and manner. His shoulder length golden honey hair, dancers\\\\\\\\\\\' grace, and poetic tongue would have allowed him his choice of dates on any given weekend. Instead he choose the ease and comfort of friends and books to fill the cherished times between full moons. When he felt the need for feminine companionship dazzlingly beautiful, blondes would grace his arm to dances or for moonless strolls around the lake.

Although always jealous of these flirtatious intruders, I knew they would never gain his trust or willingness to share the horrible secret he kept so well hidden. Remus was very cautious with his emotions, and thoughtless shags were not his to have. Even if he were not the unwilling host of a raging beast, Remus\\\\\\\\\\\'s heart would not allow him to be the whore he thought I was. I dated frequently and after fifth year only boys. Luscious curves and soft giggles gave me no pleasure. I was meant for Remus. Although shorter and much more slender than me, Moony was as far from soft and curvy as a boy could be. The beginning of fifth year I realized how badly I desired him, and craved his desire in return. That\\\\\\\\\\\'s when I started dating any boy who could be considered \\\\\\\\\\\"eye candy\\\\\\\\\\\". I wanted Remus to know that as a male his advances would be welcome. Surely he would become jealous of these boy toys taking up all of his best friend\\\\\\\\\\\'s time, and would want me to desire him as much as I did them?

However, after two years of boring companions my heart was aching for him and a new plan was formed. I knew that Moony loved me as a pack- mate. If I could make the wolf see Padfoot as protector and soul mate, I might have a chance with Remus as well. By sending Snape to the werewolf, I believed that I would reveal myself as his savior that night. Padfoot would go bounding down the tunnel and control Moony while Snape ran for his life. But Dumbledore stopped me atop the sweeping marble stairs, so close to the entrance, reminding me of a detention I had forgotten I was to serve. I froze. I couldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t speak, couldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t tell the truth and couldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t save him. I spent the night in McGonagall\\\\\\\\\\\'s office, thanking Merlin for the existence of James Potter.

The next morning I was allowed two minutes in the hospital wing. They had to drag me from the doorway, the sight of blood soaked sheets and bandages had reduced me to hysterical screaming and then only silent whimpers. Without Padfoot there to save him I knew that Moony, having caught the scent of human blood and been denied the pleasure of its taste, had torn Remus near death. But I was wrong. His was not the only blood staining the stark white sheets and walls. He had been saved, just not by me.

It wasn\\\\\\\\\\\'t until the first day of our seventh year that I met his savior. Re spent the summer at Hogwarts, by special invitation of Dumbledore. So had the five-foot nothing, silver- haired, amethyst- eyed, Australian, who stood by his side as he greeted our carriage. She was nothing like any girl Remus had ever dated. The dazzling beauties that came before had never understood Remus; this little whirlwind seemed to hold his heart and mind in the palm of her hand. I was insanely jealous and refused all invitations to be in their company. James was the only one who understood the sudden withdrawal from my normal social circles. The pitying look in his eye when I was forced to tolerate the presence of Remus and his new- found love, burned worse than hatred ever could. James knew as well as I, my chance of winning Moony\\\\\\\\\\\'s heart was very slim. Remus had forgiven me far more easily than I had hoped. While still bandaged and bedridden he accepted my tearful apology in front of Lily, James and Peter, before we left for the summer break. But our friendship was different, the trust was gone, and his eyes were ever wary of my movements.

The night before the September full moon, Remus asked the marauders to join him in the shack after dinner. For once she wasn\\\\\\\\\\\'t with him. Remus\\\\\\\\\\\' revelations of her identity that night cemented her as the center of his new world. I knew that Remus wasn\\\\\\\\\\\'t trying to hurt me. He was blind to how very much I loved him and now he would never know.

\\\\\\\\\\\"Her parents were both werewolves\\\\\\\\\\\", Remus began,\\\\\\\\\\\" friends of Dumbledore. Both were research specialists. They fled to Australia to escape the Ministries cruelty and oppression. Her mother was killed when she was nine years old. It was almost moonset; her father was curled up next to her at the edge of a forest near their home. Her mother was almost across the clearing when the transformation started. Two hooded wizard\\\\\\\\\\\'s apparated into the clearing and shot her at point blank range. I don\\\\\\\\\\\'t need to tell you what the bullets were made of.\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus paused to control the heavy emotion threatening to cloud his already misty golden eyes. \\\\\\\\\\\"She could do nothing but watch as her mother died at the hands of cowards while her father writhed in pain from the transformation at her side. When he awoke she had to tell him of the death of his mate. By the time she was sixteen her father had wasted away. The love of a child who no longer needed his protection was not enough to keep him from his soul mate. Her parents were reunited for eternity shortly after Christmas. She was barely seventeen.\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus\\\\\\\\\\\' voice broke off, shaking with the knowledge that his own earthly end could be met in much the same way. I wanted to hold him, wanted to tell him I\\\\\\\\\\\'d always be there for him, to make sure he was always safe. But I couldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t even raise my eyes to meet his beautiful face, now tracked with silver tears. I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t deserve to comfort him. I had been no better than the murderous cowards he just described.

James and Peter where both amazed that Remus finally found someone who could understand him as both man and beast. I was the only heartless idiot to ask how a nine-year-old could survive in the woods with two werewolves. \\\\\\\\\\\"She\\\\\\\\\\\'s an Animagus,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus stated flatly, \\\\\\\\\\\"a wolf.\\\\\\\\\\\" My heart constricted and I could barely breathe. No, my brain screamed, Padfoot is the only canine in Moony\\\\\\\\\\\'s world.

James spoke the words first, \\\\\\\\\\\"She was an animagus at nine?\\\\\\\\\\\"¨ \\\\\\\\\\\"Yes,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus answered slowly. \\\\\\\\\\\"Her parents were both incredibly powerful not just in one specialty but in all areas of magic. They started training and teaching her before she could speak. Most of the Australian people are far more accepting of werewolves than they are here. She stayed at the house of a friend during moons until she was strong enough to release her body to the undiscovered form inside. The first time, she tried to fight her inner self. She was only eight and wanted to be something beautiful....a unicorn. That\\\\\\\\\\\'s why she has silver hair and purple eyes,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus explained, \\\\\\\\\\\"a permanent gift of a transformation gone wrong. The next time she relinquished control to the desire within and became a wolf.\\\\\\\\\\\"

\\\\\\\\\\\"Many ministry officials were aware of her father\\\\\\\\\\\'s research work and wanted to use her as a study case. Dumbledore would hear nothing of it, and brought her here to heal and to meet others her own age. She\\\\\\\\\\\'s never had any formal training,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus continued, \\\\\\\\\\\"but she is way beyond us in every subject. She arrived just after Easter last year. She\\\\\\\\\\\'s already taken her N.E.W.T.S. and spends most of her time tutoring first years and \\\\\\\\\\\'might as well be squibs\\\\\\\\\\\'\\\\\\\\\\\", Remus ended proudly.

\\\\\\\\\\\"Is she in a house?\\\\\\\\\\\" asked Peter finally finding his voice. \\\\\\\\\\\"She lived in Hogsmeade the last part of sixth year,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus answered. \\\\\\\\\\\"She moved into Gryffindor over the summer. Dumbledore keeps her very busy with special study projects, and a muggle sport called Gymnastics. Most of the time she keeps to her self in the library, the music room or down in the dungeon they converted into a gym. Dumbledore insists she keeps practicing the sport. He says it will help her concentrate and keep her body strong.

Remus finally came to the reason he called this little chat. \\\\\\\\\\\"She\\\\\\\\\\\'ll be with us tomorrow night,\\\\\\\\\\\" he announced looking directly into my eyes for the first time in months. \\\\\\\\\\\"I hope she\\\\\\\\\\\'ll be able to run with all of us,\\\\\\\\\\\" Re finished still holding my reluctant gaze. I dropped my eyes from the pleading amber orbs before me and willed my self to nod gently. James and Peter were all for letting the silver- haired intruder join our pack.

After we left the shack, I wandered alone down to the lake. So that\\\\\\\\\\\'s how she was able to save him. Her wolf took the bites that should have been for me to bear. Living in Hogsmeade since Easter she obviously knew the cries of the wolf and was safe going to investigate. Why hadn\\\\\\\\\\\'t I thought of it when I first saw her with Remus? She was the white wolf we had seen in the distance on several full moons last spring. She always stayed far away and fled when Moony picked up her scent or became curious. Padfoot\\\\\\\\\\\'s soul cried out for Moony\\\\\\\\\\\'s as I realized this was not someone who was going away.

She ran with us the next night. I expected Moony to spend the time nuzzling with the silver-white wonder that stood before me. She was truly beautiful. Surprisingly we all ran together. She played with Prongs and wrestled with me when I let her close enough. Moony ran circles around the two of us, silently begging Padfoot to include the rambunctious silver stranger. When we woke in the shack she was gone. Remus lay on the bed covered with her cloak, while Padfoot cuddled close by. I wondered why she would leave her new boyfriend when they had obviously awakened together for the past several months. My doggy mentality could only determine that she didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t want to face displaying their physical relationship to his friends and for that I was very grateful. Re didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t seem surprised by her absence; perhaps they had planned it. Remus rose elegantly to gather his clothing and suggested we head to the dorm. I tried without success to keep my eyes from wandering to the firm arse and long, lean, deceptively muscular legs. I desperately wanted to know the feeling of those legs spread wantonly before me or wrapped invitingly around my waist. \\\\\\\\\\\"Don\\\\\\\\\\\'t you have to go to the hospital wing?\\\\\\\\\\\" I asked, sharper than intended. \\\\\\\\\\\"No\\\\\\\\\\\", Remus replied, \\\\\\\\\\\"Dumbledore knows I don\\\\\\\\\\\'t spend the nights alone,\\\\\\\\\\\" Re confided, as his face blushed most fetchingly. \\\\\\\\\\\"Don\\\\\\\\\\\'t worry he doesn\\\\\\\\\\\'t know about your animal forms, only hers\\\\\\\\\\\", but he does know you come to help me after moonset.\\\\\\\\\\\" Then Moony notice that James and Peter had already started up the tunnel: we were alone for the first time in months. \\\\\\\\\\\"Come on Padfoot,\\\\\\\\\\\" he said solemnly, \\\\\\\\\\\"I need to sleep.\\\\\\\\\\\" Very hesitantly I reached to put my arm around his waist and helped him up the tunnel; it was the first time I had been allowed to touch him since June. All fantasies of tangled sweaty limbs were banished from my mind. My heart was soaring with this unexpected and far more exhilarating display of trust.

++++** It\\\\\\\\\\\'s usually easier to handle memories as Padfoot, the thought process is simple and clear, but this time I needed to remember as a man. Fur quickly became skin and I found myself sitting beside a small stream at the edge of a green glade. After all these years I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t want to relive the night I first faced her deep understanding of my inner soul. She saw in me things I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t want to claim as mine. The realities of her revelations are as painful today as they were when I first faced them. Things started to change that night, but how much they truly changed I would not know until my journeys end. Remus\\\\\\\\\\\'s home was only a short distance past the glade, if he was inclined to do so he could catch my scent. I moved closer to the water, dipping my tired feet in the cool stream, hoping the clear liquid would rejuvenate my soul as well. Leaning back on my elbows, face turned to the graying sky; I lost myself in the painful wanderings of my mind. ++++**

Remus\\\\\\\\\\\'s birthday came at the end of November. We had always gone to Hogsmeade to celebrate and this year would be no exception. We Marauders had a wild night planned for the now eighteen -year old werewolf, and it didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t include his new love. James had explained to her that it was to be a \\\\\\\\\\\"boy\\\\\\\\\\\'s night out\\\\\\\\\\\" and she had agreed without complaint. I was mildly surprised knowing that Lily would not have liked being excluded from James birthday celebration. However it was the guest of honor who politely refused our invitation, stating that he would be spending the evening in the company of a beautiful female wolf. After watching Remus leave the common room we decided that a birthday celebration was going to happen with or without wolf girl. We followed behind Remus, under the cover of James invisibility cloak hoping to wolfnap him before he reached the music room. She could play Mozart and recite Shakespeare, which was, in my eyes another of her character flaws, Remus however found it truly fascinating. The werewolf slipped inside the room before we could catch him. We listened patiently waiting for them to emerge. James somehow thought she would understand her boyfriend disappearing before her eyes as we hustled him away. Thankfully we never had to find out. Listening to the conversation was the start of a new understanding for me.

\\\\\\\\\\\"What are you doing here Remus?\\\\\\\\\\\" her surprised voice asked quickly. \\\\\\\\\\\"I thought the guys had big plans for you?\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\"They did,\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus replied, \\\\\\\\\\\"but I wanted to spend my birthday with you.\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\"We have plans for tomorrow night,\\\\\\\\\\\" the slightly irritated reply came.\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\"I know,\\\\\\\\\\\" Re\\\\\\\\\\\'s shy voice acknowledged, \\\\\\\\\\\"but I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t like the way they excluded you.\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\"Listen to me Remus Lupin,\\\\\\\\\\\" she stated softly but firmly. \\\\\\\\\\\"I love you and I love being with you. But you have only a short time to be a carefree Marauder. Enjoy this night with your friends; you never know how much you\\\\\\\\\\\'ll see them after school. They were the first friends to give you a birthday party seven years ago; shouldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t they have the chance to spend time with you on what could be your last birthday together? We\\\\\\\\\\\'ll have tomorrow. Go,\\\\\\\\\\\" she coaxed, \\\\\\\\\\\"have a good time.\\\\\\\\\\\"

I could hear the sound of a kiss and my heart softened. She wasn\\\\\\\\\\\'t trying to take him away from us or me. I never had him. \\\\\\\\\\\"Oh hell, bring her along,\\\\\\\\\\\" I conceded, striding into the room. \\\\\\\\\\\"If anything she\\\\\\\\\\\'ll be useful as an armrest if we get too drunk,\\\\\\\\\\\" I laughed placing my elbow on her shoulder. It was the first time I ever touched her. Remus smile could have out shone the candles on even Albus Dumbledore\\\\\\\\\\\'s birthday cake.

The night was wonderful. We collected a pleasantly surprised Lily from the common room and Peters Hufflepuff from the library, and then headed for the Three Broomsticks. As I watched them together I saw a side of Remus I desperately desired to have lavished on myself. I wanted the shy smiles and soft kisses that were being freely given by the werewolf to the amazingly boisterous creature at his side. She was as wild and crazy as me. The amethyst eyes could light the Forbidden Forest, and her smile would rival my star. But everything about her paled in the shadow of Moony\\\\\\\\\\\'s quiet beauty, made even more fetching by the glow of love he felt for the friends and girlfriend he thought he would never have. Yes, she was his girlfriend, not his mate. While Remus was at the bar I had been bold enough to ask her, and she had willingly answered. I could tell she knew the love I felt for her boyfriend, and there was no jealousy in her eyes. Damn, this one was hard to hate.

She and Moony could both hold their alcohol, but so could I. James, Lily, Peter and the Hufflepuff headed back around 1:00 am leaving behind the map and a curious look in amethyst eyes. \\\\\\\\\\\"Let\\\\\\\\\\\'s show her the Shadow,\\\\\\\\\\\" I stated turning to Remus. Nodding he took her hand and we headed to the shack. Several tunnels and many questions later we approached the Shadows hiding place. Her eyes widened and more questions were asked. \\\\\\\\\\\"Does it fly?\\\\\\\\\\\" she finally thought out loud. \\\\\\\\\\\"Quiet\\\\\\\\\\\", Remus almost hissed. \\\\\\\\\\\"Don\\\\\\\\\\\'t give him any ideas.\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\'Flight?!\\\\\\\\\\\' I thought, \\\\\\\\\\\'Hell yes, I was almost beginning to like this girl.\\\\\\\\\\\' \\\\\\\\\\\"Can you help me do it?\\\\\\\\\\\" I almost begged, \\\\\\\\\\\"The charms and spells, I mean?\\\\\\\\\\\" Remus stifled a noise that would have been a giggle from one less dignified. I had forgotten how talented Moony said she was and from watching her, I would have added that it was the biggest understatement I had ever heard. She encouraged me to assist her even though she would have been finished in a matter of moments if she had completed the work herself. But, as she said, it was my \\\\\\\\\\\"death trap\\\\\\\\\\\" and I had to help put the nails in the coffin. Remus reluctantly preformed the final charm. I never appreciated how talented Moony was, before watching him, eyes softly closed, wand raised, effortlessly reciting a complex series of spells, I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t know he could even pronounce. I was learning more this night about my friend than I had during all those late night chats we used to have, but this time I was the one listening and paying attention to him.

Two hours later I was flying over the Forbidden Forest while they kept watch from below. Though she had wanted to ride along on the inaugural flight Remus had insisted they both keep their feet firmly on the ground until I proved myself capable of landing. I soared through the chilled inky sky for more an hour before my first off balance landing, made Remus cover his eyes in fear. \\\\\\\\\\\"Look,\\\\\\\\\\\" I announced \\\\\\\\\\\"still in one piece.\\\\\\\\\\\" I had landed a short distance from the Shadows hiding place. After securing the door with several spells I knew would take me hours to reverse she smiled with satisfaction and we headed back to Hogsmeade.

As we rounded the side of the shack we were greeted by the sound of a greasy smooth laugh I hadn\\\\\\\\\\\'t heard in months. \\\\\\\\\\\"You\\\\\\\\\\\'re a promising young witch\\\\\\\\\\\", Snape drawled, \\\\\\\\\\\"you shouldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t be dating a blood thirsty monster, when you could be in the company of afar more worthy wizard\\\\\\\\\\\", Her reply was quick and sharp \\\\\\\\\\\"I believe you misunderstand Severus, I\\\\\\\\\\\'m here with Remus not Black.\\\\\\\\\\\" \\\\\\\\\\\"Like I said, a monster,\\\\\\\\\\\" declared Snape. At that she snapped, whirling like the wolf on the conceited Slytherin. \\\\\\\\\\\"Remus is not the monster Snape, I AM.\\\\\\\\\\\" With the effortless flick of her left hand the greasy git found himself dangling helplessly, impaled on the branch of a tall nearby tree, blood oozing from his stomach, screaming in agony. Remus\\\\\\\\\\\'s eyes grew wide with terror as he begged her to release him. I was speechless, though whether it was from the sight and sound of Snape\\\\\\\\\\\'s torturously impending demise or if it was from watching the ease with which she had launched her assault, I could not say, but I presumed the latter to be true.

\\\\\\\\\\\"Don\\\\\\\\\\\'t worry,\\\\\\\\\\\" she laughed lightly, \\\\\\\\\\\"It\\\\\\\\\\\'s only an illusion spell. He\\\\\\\\\\\'s hanging in mid air he just doesn\\\\\\\\\\\'t realize it,\\\\\\\\\\\" she continued over the cries of the suspended Slytherin. With a carelessly muttered phrase and a wave of her right hand, Snape dropped to the ground, shaken but without permanent damage. \\\\\\\\\\\"Come on Monster,\\\\\\\\\\\" I chuckled bestowing the nickname on her, \\\\\\\\\\\"I\\\\\\\\\\\'d rather not be seen with a wizard who\\\\\\\\\\\'s wet himself.\\\\\\\\\\\"

It was almost daybreak when we finally entered the Gryffindor common room. Monster kissed Remus lightly on the nose, wished him a happy birthday and asked if their plans were still on for that night. Following an enthusiastic affirmation, the worn out werewolf headed up to bed. I started to follow, but turned back when I noticed she had summoned a cup of tea and settled in front of the fireplace. There was something I had to know and this was very likely the only time I would ever be alone with her. \\\\\\\\\\\"Aren\\\\\\\\\\\'t you going to bed?\\\\\\\\\\\" I asked silently returning to the common room. \\\\\\\\\\\"No, it\\\\\\\\\\\'s easier to just stay up when it gets to be this early,\\\\\\\\\\\" she replied as though speaking from a trance. \\\\\\\\\\\"I need to ask you something,\\\\\\\\\\\" I demanded suddenly angered by the words she had spoken earlier. \\\\\\\\\\\"What the hell did you mean, calling me a blood thirsty monster to Snape?\\\\\\\\\\\" I growled, forgetting this was a person who casually speared people with tree limbs.

Cold calculating eyes turned slowly to meet my storm tossed glare. She remained seated only a moment before rising with the power her gymnast\\\\\\\\\\\'s legs afforded her. Standing before the fireplace only inches from my side she turned looking up into my raging eyes. Undaunted, she answered in a tone that implied I was daft for asking. \\\\\\\\\\\"You are exactly that Sirius Black.\\\\\\\\\\\" She continued on stabbing at me with razor sharp intonation, \\\\\\\\\\\"I promised Remus I would never bring this up, but since you\\\\\\\\\\\'ve asked the question I\\\\\\\\\\\'ll be happy to enlighten you. Remus may seem like he\\\\\\\\\\\'s forgiven you for betraying him to Snape, but I will never forgive you for being a gutless bastard and leaving him to die by his own hands.\\\\\\\\\\\" She paused, allowing the announcement to filter through my heart and mind. Only moments ago I had been very certain I wanted this conversation, but now that I was in the thick of it, I was quickly losing my nerve.

\\\\\\\\\\\"You almost killed four people that night Sirius. James, Snape, Remus and me. I took all the attacks I could, but that was the first night Moony had been near me, he didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t know my scent and I knew he was waiting for Padfoot but you never came,\\\\\\\\\\\" Her words were questioning, tinted with bewilderment. \\\\\\\\\\\"You were so easily willing to risk his life to be his savior,\\\\\\\\\\\" she revealed as though reading from my soul, \\\\\\\\\\\"but when Dumbledore stopped you on the stairs you froze, and saved your own skin instead. You should have told him about Padfoot, he would have let you go to him. Yes, you still would have still gotten in trouble, but at least you would have been trying to right the wrong you created.\\\\\\\\\\\" Her assessment of my greatest fuck up continued. \\\\\\\\\\\"I had never met Re before that night and being a female I was at a slight disadvantage,\\\\\\\\\\\" she paused, leaving the implication to hang between us. \\\\\\\\\\\"You chose to let the wolf maul you rather than let Moony claim you as him mate?\\\\\\\\\\\" I blurted out shocked, indignant and grateful all at the same time.

Monster turned for the first time to look into the fire. When she faced me again it was the only time I ever saw tears in the fathomless depths she called eyes. \\\\\\\\\\\"I didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t even know Remus, didn\\\\\\\\\\\'t even know his name. But I knew all too well the struggles that were his to face. The wolf has more control of his life than you could possibly imagine Siri,\\\\\\\\\\\" she sighed using my nick -name that was reserved for Re\\\\\\\\\\\'s use only. \\\\\\\\\\\"He struggles so hard to maintain his humanity, and there are very few things he has an equal choice in. The choice of a mate is one of those. How could I take that life - changing piece of control away from him? I couldn\\\\\\\\\\\'t entertain the thought of waking up saying \\\\\\\\\\\"Hi! I realize you don\\\\\\\\\\\'t know me, but you\\\\\\\\\\\'re stuck with me as a life mate, because your best friend decided to act like an arse! By the way, wanna shag?\\\\\\\\\\\" I don\\\\\\\\\\\'t know if you realize it Sirius, but the first person Remus makes love with doesn\\\\\\\\\\\'t necessarily become his mate. He has to make a conscious choice, and if he is very lucky he and Moony will choose the same person. If they do, I can tell you from watching my parents, the bond formed is soul-binding magic of the most powerful kind. For it\\\\\\\\\\\'s not magic that can be cast or charmed, it can only be created in the joining of soul mates destined to share eternity. However, the one night of the lunar cycle that Moony is free he can make that choice without Remus, and I\\\\\\\\\\\'d be damned if I was going to let him do it.\\\\\\\\\\\" She stated with determined resolve. \\\\\\\\\\\"Dumbledore introduced us in the hospital wing and we spent the summer together talking and getting to know each other, so in turn I know a lot about you. I know you think you love him Sirius but you took his life in your hands and literally through it to the wolf.\\\\\\\\\\\" With that the storm ended. I must have looked very frightened by her final thoughts. Her eyes suddenly changed, they were pale lilac, soft and caring. \\\\\\\\\\\"Sirius, I love Remus and I know he loves me. I don\\\\\\\\\\\'t know how or when our relationship will end, but I know that it will. You scared and hurt him far more than his is willing to admit, even to himself. Give him time.....give us time. There are many forms of love to experience Sirius, some are meant to hurt, some to heal and some are destined to last for eternity. I know the purpose of mine, do you know yours?\\\\\\\\\\\" She left me with the question before walking away, leaving me far more confused than when the conversation began.


	3. Lessons, Longings and Howls in the Night

My Beloved Monster by the EELS from Shrek

My beloved monster and me / We go everywhere together / Wearing a raincoat that / Has four sleeves / Gets us through / All kinds of weather

She will always be / The only thing / That comes between me / And the awful sting / That comes from / Living in a world / That's so damn mean

My beloved monster is tough / If she wants / She will destroy you / But if you lay her down / For a kiss / Her little heart / It could explode

++++

The weather was mild for December, allowing those of us who stayed over the Christmas break to spend much of our time out doors. Remus and Monster, having nowhere else to go, both stayed, as did James and Lily. Neither of them wanting to face parents or argue over wedding plans during what was supposed to be a time of peace and love. I also stayed, but for a far more selfish reason. Somehow I felt better watching Re and Monster together than wondering what they were doing when I was away.

Christmas Eve found us on the Quidditch Pitch practicing dives for James latest game plan. Moony, Monster and Lily watched from below. I loved showing off to Remus. It always felt good to see that amazed look in his worried amber eyes when I pulled some daredevil stunt, designed specially to achieve this exact reaction.

Not being content to stay on the ground after an impromptu picnic lunch, Lily and Monster summoned their brooms and prepared to join James and me in the clear December sky. "Where's your broom?" Monster questioned Remus. "He doesn't fly!" I answered quickly, noticing Moony's already lowered gaze. "It's against the law for werewolves to own or use brooms. I'd think you of all people should know that." I ended sharply. But just when I thought I had done something to redeem myself in front of Remie I came to the quick realization that I must have fucked up again.

Monster turned on me, amethyst eyes now burning black as obsidian. I found all of my six feet two inches backing away from the five feet of hell-storm coming slowly toward me. I stopped abruptly as my back hit the Quidditch post escape effectively stopped. Backing away from her was bad enough, my pride refused to let me run from someone only slightly larger than a house-elf. She stopped in front of me, just far enough away so she didn't have to tilt her head to meet, what I hoped was a confident stare. As she spoke her voice was calm with mocking agreement.

"You're right Sirius, it is illegal for werewolves to own a broom or to fly," she stated simply. "It's also considered useless to teach them to read and write. It's illegal for them to go to school so it must break some additional law for them to be a top student. Or, Merlin forbid the monsters would love art, theatre, music and Quidditch! But worst of all never should they have friends or fall in love. Well Sirius, with your help Remus has managed to do all these things, so tell me, why is the flying law so special?" She stopped dead silent. Did she really want me to answer? No, she was just giving me time for one last breath before putting the final nail in that coffin we started.

"Perhaps it's the fact that you want him on the ground looking up to you? What's the matter Sirius, afraid a little werewolf grace and speed will blow your all too human arse out of the air?" With that final blow she turned on her heels and went back to Moony's side. It wasn't until then that I noticed she was speaking so low that no one had heard her except me. Our friends had been too afraid to come near us. She really had done nothing to embarrass me in front of them; it would be my actions when I rejoined the group that would determine my standing in their eyes.

I quietly walked back to my friends just in time to hear Monster invite Remus for his first broom ride. He hesitated only a moment, then climbed on behind her clinging tightly as they soared into the cloudless sky.

She flew with a stunning combination of James grace and my speed. The look on Moony's face as they pulled up from a loose cork-screw was more than my heart could bear. For over six years I had loved the amazed look in his eyes when he watched me fly. I'd been so selfish, never realizing the longing behind the gaze. It should have been me he was pressed against with a look of unbridled joy on his brightly flushed face. How many times would I be forced to confront the controlling monster I had really been? I wanted him to adore me, to be the king of his world. It should have been the other way around. Now, all I could do was watch as the two soaring wolves worshiped each other with laughter and love.

The months after Christmas went by all too quickly. Monster encouraged Remus to spend time with the Marauders and even declined to join us on several moon nights much to Moony's dismay.

April brought with it a late and much appreciated Easter break This time, Lily and James were headed home to finalize wedding plans and Peter was spending the time at his uncles business, as he would be working for him after graduation.

I'd never left during the spring break before, always having all my friends to keep me company. But not this year. Oh no, This year I would be taking a new adventure into hell, by way of the United States. A Podunk town called Winter Park, Colorado to be exact.

"So tell me one more time why you are going to torture your self with a week in Colorado, accompanied by only Remus and Monster?" James asked for at least the fifth time. "And don't tell me it's for the bloody mountains," he stopped me with the raising of an eyebrow, "because for those you could go to Switzerland or Austria. Need I say more?"

Prongs was not letting me off as easily as I'd hoped. Okay, think Padfoot, what will he believe?

"Alright Jamie", I began, hoping he would fall for something really stupid, "I was thinking that being forced to spend time with them alone would make me face the reality that I need to give up on Remus".

Again James raised an eyebrow, but settled for shaking his head softly. "Sirius, do you have any idea how hard this is going to be for you? You're spoiled here. They say good night and go to separate dorms. Do you think she's just going to wave and send you both to a guest room?" Jamie sighed and shook his head one more time; giving me that look of pity I had always reserved for Peter.

What a pathetic bloke I've become. I could tell Jamie the truth, it was far stranger than the fictional garbage I'd been spewing. I could tell James that I thought Monster wanted me to wait for Remus. I realize she didn't exactly say that, but I felt it in her gaze. There would never be anyone for me other than Moony so why not wait. James would think I was crazy if I told him that believing Moony's girlfriend wanted me to wait around made me feel better. Instead, I settled for something I had never said out loud.

"I love him James, and it hurts worse to be away from him. I don't know how much I'll see him after school, so I'll settle for whatever time I can get. I love him."

Of course, Remus had picked this exact moment to enter the room un- noticed. Thank Merlin he had always been totally oblivious to my feelings for him. "Sirius, you're in love?' Remus asked, an unknown emotion tugging at his voice. "Do you still want to join us? I'll certainly understand if you want to stay here. I know how hard it is to be separated from the one you love." James gave me a pleading look. This was my way out if I wanted to take it. "No, Remus," I said without having to think, "I'll be very happy spending time with you."

I hadn't asked Remus how he was able to get Dumbledore to allow him to leave over a full moon nor did I have to. Dumbledore met us at the shack just after sunset. Monster eyed my two full bags skeptically. "What?" I asked defensively, "It could get really cold". She rolled her eyes but made no comment. Doubledore produced a mitten that would serve as a portkey, then met Re and Monsters eyes. "Remember during the thirty-six hours surrounding the moon you must remain with in the magical reserve. Sirius is to use the safe room in the guest house." Doubledore turned to face me. "Sirius, I know you don't fear the wolf, but please do not leave that safety of the designated room. Remus is too close to graduation to take foolish chances." We all promised, knowing that Padfoot would be the one to leave the established confines. Dumbledore handed the mitten to Monster. With a nod Remus and I reached in to touch the start of our journey.

The familiar tugging sensation passed quickly and soon I was tumbling onto the floor of a wooden deck splotched with melting snow. "Welcome to Denver," Monster announced, heading into the extremely large house attached to the deck. I realized immediately that I had forgotten to bring sunglasses and shorts, damn it was hot. "Where's all the snow?" I asked looking at the green grass and flowers already in bloom. "Go look out the front door," called Monster from somewhere inside the endless array of rooms. I settled for a window on the opposite side of the house, and found what I was looking for. The Rocky Mountains rose before me like an endless line of jagged white teeth. Okay, so maybe it would be better than I thought. "Sirius," Remus said, joining me at the window. He had changed clothes and was now wearing a pair of tight muggle jeans, grey tee and a soft flannel shirt. His shoulder length hair was pulled back in a woven leather circlet. My god he looked incredible. "This was her fathers escape home" he explained. "She wasn't ready to return to Australia yet, too much pain and still too soon. This house and the one in the mountains are places her father used to do secret research. Much of the information he had here has already been turned over to Dumbledore and the Ministry. The house in Australia has not been touched. She is the only one who can enter it and remove the magical wards." I nodded silently understanding how hard it is to return to the site of parent's death. "The drive up to Winter Park takes about ninety minutes," Monster explained guiding us to the garage. "Drive," I questioned, "as in 'riding in a muggle car?" "Yes, I know how to drive and just to let you know, I try not to use magic in my father's house. I would ask that you do the same," she requested softly. Agreeing with a nod Remus and I followed Monster into the garage. The sight that met my eyes gave me a sense that muggle travel might just be fun. The car we were taking was actually a red Jeep CJ-7 with the top off. Monster and Remus took the front seats and I was happy to claim the back as my own.

As we headed into the mountains I left behind the feeling of dread that had stayed with me since my conversation with James. I had been in mountains before, but there had always been a feel of quiet majestic beauty. This was different. I felt wild and free.

Half way up the pass I realized what I was seeing and feeling. As I looked at the witch and wizard in front of me I saw the power that was contained in this small space. Power that included me. I saw youth, love and fear. I saw three heads silver, tawny and black all relishing in a last show of revelry before taking on the role of adults. Three canines all enjoying a symbolic ride in the wind, faces turned to the sun and noses to the air.

My hair was already blowing and tangled. Monsters' was short, only chin length but flying in all directions. I reached up and pulled the clasp from Re's tail. He turned and gave me an odd look. "Give Moony a ride", I said simply turning my nose to the sky and letting my hair whip behind me. Remus shook his head in a style worthy of the wolf and much to my surprise raised his face to the sun and howled to the heavens. I caught Monsters eye in the rear view mirror. I finally had done something right. As I watched the tawny hair fly before my face, I slowly reached up fanning my fingers allowing the silken strands to flow between each one. "I love you", came softly from my lips and was carried away with the wind for only the clouds to hear.

As we drove through the small town of Winter Park I was surprised to see the mountains circling all around us. We had driven up over the pass and down into a valley. "Ice cream", Monster announced, suddenly pulling over to a small building at the side of the road. "Grab some seats you mutts, I'll get the cones. What flavor do you want Siri?" she asked, not needing to consult our chocolate obsessed companion. "Surprise me," I called after her retreating form.

Remus and I found a table on the small patio at the back of the shop. I sat across from my wind blown friend, marveling at the newly emerged beauty showing its self in this more rugged version of the most refined marauder. Still amazed by the snow covered mountains surrounding us, Remus was immediately lost in thought as he pondered what ever complex idea they brought to his ever active mind.

I wasn't even sure he noticed when Monster slipped a heaping double scoop cone of dark chocolate ice cream into the hand that had been supporting his chin. "A little extra food will do him good before the moon tomorrow," she said mostly to herself, a rarely allowed hint of worry caressing her voice. She smiled as Remus finally acknowledged the sinful treat resting in his hand. "Yours'll be ready in a few minutes," she said to me heading back inside, "they're pretty busy." "Isn't she having any?" I asked. "No, she says sugar and size two don't go together," Remus replied. Still gazing at the scenery he returned to his trance-like state, lavishing his attention on the frozen confection. "Oh," I muttered, suddenly very aware of the decadent display taking place in front of me.

I had never in my life wanted to be an ice cream cone, but I did now. The sight of Remus' vise strong hands wrapped gently around the base of the cone was about to send my already growing erection for the ride of its underutilized life. I watched raptly as a long tongue curled and expertly glided from bottom to softly dripping tip. Over and over the velvet soft muscle traced powerful strokes against the ever-dripping challenge it sought to conquer. When the challenge became too much to contain the jaws of the wolf opened wide to engulf the cream coated tip within the moist warm cavern, lips closing with a powerful squeeze to draw the last of the reluctant liquid into the long, lush, eagerly awaiting throat.

A soft evil chuckle drew me from my fantasy and harshly dropped me into the real world of Monster laughing in my ear. "Protein," she said solemnly. "What?" I gasped, staring with shock into the amethyst eyes. "Protein is what a size two eats," she winked, "lots of protein." No longer able to hold the somber expression, she threw her head back and laughed. When she stopped she handed me my own ice cream. "Mint," she stated, reverting back to the poker face. "I hear it makes everything better." She then stuffed a large supply of napkins in my free hand, advising me that she didn't want a mess in the back seat. Remus finally awakened from his scenery-induced haze, staring at us like we were several Berti Bott Beans short of a bag. We headed back to the Jeep and continued on our way. Each wishing we could read minds, although I truly believe she could.

The house was nestled far back in the trees between the towns of Winter Park and Fraser. The house could have been a lodge style version of Hogwarts; it was huge. Hopefully I would get a bedroom on the opposite side from them at least I'd be Quidditch Pitch length away from the action.

Monster was true to her promise no magic was used. Luggage was carried up all seventy-three stairs to the bedrooms above. Thank Merlin we didn't have to go to the fourth floor. After we settled in, Monster suggested Padfoot take Re for a walk while she fixed dinner. The time change had made all of us a little grouchy. She explained the boundaries of the magical wards and headed to the kitchen.

Remus and I strolled down the path leading to the barn. I had hoped there would be horses but Moony reminded me they weren't usually over fond of magical creatures. We did find an American football that would work for a game of fetch.

Moony quickly figured out the gist of throwing the smaller but similarly rugby styled ball. The hidden power of the werewolf's slender arms made for long tosses and great exercise for Padfoot. After an hour of energetic play including a game of tag and a very one-sided wrestling match Remus and I found ourselves sitting in the loft of the barn enjoying the clean mountain air.

Moony was quiet and far less restless than normal before moons. Turning on his side to face me, he propped gracefully on an elbow, long body sprawled invitingly in the sweet smelling hay.

"Who is he Sirius?" Re asked without warning. "Who?" I responded trying to sound like I didn't know where this was leading. "The person you're in love with," he prompted, not falling for my confused tone. "What makes you think it's a guy?" I continued, trying to think of a way out of this conversation. "Well, I did hear you say, "I love him" to James. And you have almost always dated boys Siri, so I guess I just assumed being that your gay, it was a guy. "Why does it have to be gay, bi, or straight? Why can't I be in love with a man, simply because that's who I'm meant to be with?" I snapped, not meaning to, but I really didn't want to have this little soul bearing session. "Are you going to marry her?" I asked not waiting for an answer to my first question. "We haven't even talked about it," Remus answered not moving his eyes from the ever -probing journey to my soul. "It probably won't last," I sighed suddenly, not knowing if I was answering Re's question or the one burning in my heart. "I'm starting to think it's meant more to hurt than anything else. At least that's what it's doing to me." I closed my eyes; trying to block the salty tears I was certain the werewolf could smell even if they weren't visible. "We're moving to Australia after James and Lil's wedding," Remus whispered. "You, don't sound too happy about it," I prodded grateful that the focus of the conversation had turned, but barely able to contain my absolute despair at the news. "I'm very happy about it Siri. I'll be working on research that could be life-changing for me. It also keeps us away from the growing threat of that power hungry bastard and his death- eaters. You know he's trying to recruit werewolves and other dark creatures?" "Us?" I questioned, "Monster isn't a werewolf." "No, she isn't but....." Remus never finished the sentence; Monsters voice interrupted calling us for dinner. Neither of us had received or given the truths that lay just beyond the surface. It was the last private conversation I had with Moony. I wish to this day I had given into temptation, covered his body with my own and made love to him. Even if he had hated me, it would have been no worse than never having known the sweet sensation of his lips. .

Dinner was a simple but delicious beef stew. After which we had a gooey mess of a dessert called s'mores, Re's were made with double the chocolate and mine double marshmallows.

I didn't have to worry about guestrooms or friends that went bump in the night. We fell asleep in front of the fire Remus and me on the carpet, Monster curled in an overstuffed chair. I woke shortly after three to the sound of Re thrashing beside me. It was his worst nightmare in years. I instinctively curled my body to spoon his in close, wrapping my arms around his narrow waist. I looked suddenly to the chair that Monster had occupied; remembering too late that it wasn't my place to provide this kind of comfort. The chair was vacant. While I was moving she had also come to Remus' side. She lay in front of him, his arms curled around her pulling her close. When his breathing had calmed, she raised her chin to his shoulder and smiled down at me. No words were spoken, nor were any needed. We both loved him and were content to provide comfort, each in our own way.

The full moon rose and three curious canines ran through the Colorado night. Fascinating sights, sounds and smells waited around every tree and stream. Monster ran with us for only a short time. As we sat at the edge of the pasture, I witnessed a sight, that for years to come, I swore was only a dream. What were three canines suddenly became only two. Monster stood up, stretched, scratched Moony's ears and walked into the house, but when we woke in the morning she was sleeping with us just as we had been the night before, three spoons warmed by the fire.

The remainder of the week passed without incident. Remus recovered far more quickly than at Hogwarts, so we were able to hike, run and just hang out. We even went to a muggle bar one night. Remus refused to dance stating that he still felt too wolfish to be out on a crowed dance floor. He did however talk Monster and me into dancing several songs. I had to admit, for as short as she was, the woman could move and damn was she flexible. At the end of the week we left the Jeep in the garage and portkeyed back home.

Graduation came and went far less traumatically then expected; all sights were set on James and Lily's wedding. I was the Best Man while Remus and Peter served as ushers. We wore traditional muggle tuxedos for the occasion and suffered through pictures with Lil's traditional muggle family. I don't believe my eyes left the incredibly dead sexy form of Remus Lupin the entire day. Why couldn't I go one day without driving my self crazy over a man, it seemed I would never have. I watched as he and Monster stood at the back of the church while the vows were recited, Re standing behind her, arms resting on her shoulders. At least they weren't silently mouthing the vows. I was the idiot with "I take the Remus Lupin" running through my heart.

After the ceremony Lily insisted on pictures of the Marauders in the garden. After taking all the formal and silly pictures Lil could think of she finally turned to Remus and Monster begging for a picture of the two loving canines. Monster respectfully declined, stating that she had all the pictures she needed, suggesting however, that a picture of Remus and me would be a nice thing to have since we looked far more like purebred than mutt today. I reluctantly moved to stand next to a smiling Remus as we posed for a far too formal picture. James met my eyes with a sad knowing look as Remus wrapped a strong slim arm around my waist and invited me to return the partial embrace. My heart nearly broke for the thousandth time in the space of twelve months. It had been one year since he and Monster had met us at the gates of Hogwarts. With the formal torture over we asked Monster to join us for one last shot. She agreed but insisted it had to be a fun one, not formal. A knowing grin was exchanged before we scooped her up between us; seated on clasped hands and resting against touching shoulders. Our contact was more familiar than in the formal picture only moments ago but far less painful to endure.

My answer to all this emotional trauma was to get drunk off my arse at the reception. I slept for seventeen hours and was too hungover to move for the next two days. Hangover turned to heart -break when I found out Re and Monster had left for Australia the morning after the wedding. They had tried to wake me to say goodbye but I was too incoherent to do anything but produce drool worthy of Padfoot.

I didn't see nor speak to Remus until almost a year later on the night of Harry's birth. James had chatted with them by fireplace just before leaving for the hospital. They apparated into the waiting room with only minutes to spare.

Remus looked exquisite dressed in soft brown corduroys and a forest green sweater. His amber eyes gleamed with a loving golden glow. Only when given the baby to cradle did he take his arm from Monsters waist. I started to offer to take a picture of Remus, Monster and Harry, but a glare from Moonys suddenly frozen eyes that could have turned oxygen to ice stopped me in mid sentence. Monster gently touched Re's shoulder, quieting him instantly. Until then I hadn't realized how tired and worn Monster looked. Breaking the tension Monster announced that she wanted a picture Harry, Moony, and me. Directed by Monster I found myself in a chair with Harry in my arms, Re sitting on the side of the chair his arm draped around my shoulder leaning in close enough that I could feel his warm sweet breath flowing softy across my face. For a moment I was in heaven. Upon closer inspection Remus also looked tired. Australia seemed to be agreeing with him physically but something was tearing at my friend's soul, and I had no idea how to ask him what it was. They stayed only six hours before apparating back home. They were six of the most bitter sweet hours of my life.

Although they came back frequently to see Harry, the next time I saw them was Harry's first birthday. Re looked the worst I had ever seen him. He was still haunting beautiful, but something was very wrong. Monster also was different. The last time I saw her she looked worried and the closest I had ever seen to scared. Now she had her trademark determination back, but her beautiful eyes were hard and set.

Re barely spoke to anyone, wouldn't discuss his work and rarely acknowledged my existence. They bought a small house not far from Lily and James. Harry's presence was the only thing that brought a smile to the werewolf's face, but he flatly refused to touch him. Monster held Harry whenever she could, only giving him up when they returned to their own home.

I had wondered why they came back to England. Remus had seemed happy in Australia. He enjoyed his work, had a companion he obviously loved and plenty of room to roam during the full moon. Why would he come back to endure this hell he was obviously living in? Several nights later I thought I had my answer, though I'd rather have died than face this gut wrenching revelation.

Remus and Monster had stopped at Jamie's house so Remus could invited the Marauders to spend the September full moon with him at the shack. You could have heard a pin drop when the invitation was extended. James was thrilled at the sight and sound of something even remotely familiar to the old Remus. I was very wary for some reason, afraid for James safety in light of all the rumors and the plans of secret keepers. I should have noticed that Pete was flat out terrified, but all of us consented to come, each for very different reasons.

Monster, as usual, spent the entire night with Harry snuggled in her arms. As they left that night I realized what Remus was doing. I'd seen him do it on every visit, but finally faced the horrifying truth. I watch him as they went down the sidewalk, always they chose to walk instead of use floo powder. Remus was nuzzling her almost obscenely, something the dignity of the human side would never have allowed in public. Moony has finally won, my inner voice screamed. He's collecting their scent, the very aurora of their being. He's taking it to Voldemort. My heart was broken, my Remus, my loving friend, the man I loved more than life was gone. My only goal was to save James, Lily and Harry.

I begged James not to go to the shack. I tried to tell him the truth about Remus and Monster, but he thought the jealousy had finally driven me over the edge. No, he didn't think I was insane, just insanely jealous. My only reason for going to that wretched shack was to protect James. I only wished I had known the reasons why Peter chose to go.

Monster didn't come that night, it was just the boys. Like it had been, like it was supposed to be. I went to the shack hating Remus that night, but Padfoot wouldn't listen to me he only listened to Moony.

The next time I saw Remus, James and Lily were dead. I pounded on their door, my black leather pants and white linen shirt were covered in dirt and blood. My blood, the blood I drew crawling through the crumbling remains of their perfect world. Monster flung open the door staring through unseeing eyes. Suddenly she pulled me in house and screamed for Remus. I ran to him, throwing myself in his arms. Seeing him again for the beautiful face, heart and soul that never stopped loving us, loving James. I clutched at his soft cotton rugby shirt babbling at him. Begging him to forgive me, to not believe what he would soon hear. All the while Monster was casting every spell she could think of at the locks, doors and windows, but even with her incredible power it wasn't enough. They came for me, breaking down the doors, and streaming out of the fireplace.

They drug me from him, from my Remus, my Moony. They chained me while he watched eyes wide in terror and shock at the accusations they were making. I watched him drop to his knees, tears flowing with love, pain and betrayal. Monster was by his side, his arms circled around her waist, head pressed against her chest knowing that his heart, soul and world were forever shattered.

Remus has lived in his own form of hell these past twelve years. As I spoke to Dumbledore before my escape from Hogwarts, I mentioned how worn Remus looked; though still so beautiful, I thought to myself. "Monster must be living up to her name," I stated, lightly as my now sandpaper voice would allow. Dumbledore lowered his eyes for the briefest of moments. "She died the November full moon, two years after James and Lily." I believe at that moment my heart stopped. For over ten years Remus had been completely alone. Now I realized the look in his eyes at the shack was telling me he was alone. Dumbledore refused to tell me how she died. "She would want to find out for yourself," he had said with a knowing gleam in his eyes. There was no time to question further. Dumbledore left, Harry and Hermione arrived and suddenly I was riding a hippogriff into the night. The last sound I heard was the howl of a very lonely wolf.


	4. Memories of Moonlight - A Gift to the Living

You're Still You 

By: Josh Groban

Through the darkness / I can see your light / And you will always shine / And I can feel your heart in mine/ Your face I've memorized / I idolize just you

You walk past me / I can feel your pain / Time changes everything / One truth always stays the same / You're still you / After all / You're still you

I look up to / Everything you are / In my eyes you do no wrong / And I believe in you / Although you never asked me to / I will remember you / And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world / I found one love / You're still you / After all / You're still you

++++

No more time for wondering and planning Remus told himself; the scratching at the door wasn't just a tree branch. This could be a new beginning or the beginning of the end. He knew the large, black furry messenger brought tidings of death, torment and nightmares reborn. He also hoped that with him came the promise of friendship; and something that years ago he had never dared to name, something that at the time had seemed frightening and wrong. Something that would have been destined to begin and end in the same breath, but now would have the ability to last past the final breath of earthly life and into a place where no breath was needed. 'Why is love so difficult to name,' Remus' heart questioned his brain. 'Because,' his always practical mind replied, 'you haven't seen this man for more than a few fleeting moments in the last thirteen years, you've grown up even more than the years should have required, while what was a reckless young man grew old in a hell you can't imagine.' His mind continued on even as he moved to answer the door, 'how can you name as /love/ someone you don't even know anymore, how do you know this is right?' It was the voice of Moonys soul that silenced them both, 'because its Padfoot, its Sirius'. And with those words the door to the future was unlocked and destiny welcomed with open arms.

Now there was no turning back; Remus stood before me, arms opened wide moving to embrace my thin filthy frame. Just being in his presence reminded me for the hundredth time that day how very much I still loved this man. "Come in Padfoot, come in," Remus smiled as he put his arm through mine, guiding me to the living room. Something was different and the difference was astonishing. This was not the shabby, careworn professor I embraced a year ago, no, this was a man who now had a reason for living. Remus had aged with the subtlety of a fine wine, one having been carefully stored to await its collectors' return. His honey hair, though still long, was now dusted with silver, but his beautiful face was timeless, young beyond his years. Only faint whispers tracing the beautiful amber eyes give heed to the mature vintage that flows within his veins. My unassuming friend was always powerful, but now, that power had been nurtured and perfected to a force that radiates from every pore of his incredibly delectable body. This was still the body of a strong, swift canine, slender and graceful, a body that was Padfoot's to run with yet never mine to possess. With this last thought I was pulled from my mental appraisal of the still chatting werewolf. Remus was speaking and I had no idea what the subject was. Suddenly he stopped sensing my confusion. "Padfoot, are you all right," my host asked; voice heavy with concern. I nodded my affirmation trying to force a smile from muscles long unused. "Remus," I started, not knowing where the conversation had ended but certain of where it must now go, "I need to tell you of the urgent news from Hogwarts, news of Voldemort." Mentally I reproached myself, I had never been a tact-master as the soft-spoken werewolf was, but surely even I could have done better than that. Remus sobered immediately. "I already know Sirius, Dumbledore owled me the details," he sighed, walked slowly to the window and stared out through unseeing eyes. "Forgive me Paddy, my lightness of tone was not meant to mock the gravity of the situation. I'm merely glad to see you" Remus admonished himself eyes turned to the floor. Without realizing the movement occurred, I was at his side, grimy thin fingers lifting his slightly stubbled chin. Suddenly aware of the contact I had initiated my hand abruptly dropped to my side. As I met his eyes I wondered how I could possibly ask him the questions that were burning in my mind. I settled for starting with the basics.

"Dumbledore told me to stay with you for awhile," I began, then hesitated like a schoolboy asking for his first date, "if that's okay with you." "Of course it's all right Padfoot," Remus reassured with a smile that once again rose to illuminate his eyes. "However," he added, a beguiling gleam overtaking the amber orbs, "I must insist you head directly for the shower or I will be forced strip you naked and spray you down with the garden hose, and I assure you it will be a most exhilarating experience for one of us." Remus laughed heartily at my shocked expression, his well hidden werewolf wit was obviously still in tact. Even though I questioned his sense of humor, the lilting laughter was something I would endure far worse than a little embarrassment to enjoy. Remus' threat was very tempting, even though I was certain that his idea of exhilarating and mine were very different, instead I opted for the warmth and familiar scent of the indoor bathroom. With the efficiency of a house-elf the domesticated side of the wolf gathered towels and clothing, stopping briefly to alter the length of the pants.

"The shower is in here Siri," Remus indicated to the first floor washroom, "and the guest room is across the hall." There was no way to hide the tears brought to my now glistening eyes by his use of the private nickname. Remus merely smiled, advising me he would be fixing dinner and invited me to join him whenever I was ready.

I showered longer than necessary, enjoying the simple pleasures of warm water and the scent of Remus all around me. At least Dumbledore had owled ahead. Wise man Dumbledore, although he knew thoughts of Harry and the impending danger would never be far from our minds and lips, he also knew that my time spent in this home would determine the bond with which Remus and I would face the resurrected evil. Whether it would be as brother of the heart or simply as fellow warriors was yet to be seen. Any thing more than friendship was too much to hope for. As I quickly averted my eyes from the bathroom glass, I was reminded once again that Remus as a lover, was unattainable in my glory days of youth and charm; what chance did an emaciated mess have of winning his heart after all these years. I didn't even know if his heart was still free to give or if it was bound till eternity with that of his long dead love. I slipped into the muggle jeans and tee shirt Remus had provided, deciding then and there that food in large quantities was very necessary. Although I found his physique incredibly sexy; being thin enough to wear Remus Lupins clothing was not a compliment.

I made my way to the spacious kitchen taking in my surroundings for the first time. From the look of my friend a year ago and the information offered by Harry, I expected Remus to be living in abject poverty, not in this comfortable country abode. The home was simple, neat and yet sparsely decorated. Many of the former professor's books lined the numerous shelves throughout the lower level of the house. Much to my surprise and disappointment there were no pictures of the Marauders, only what I assumed were muggle oil paintings in a mix of bold colors and gently muted tones graced the cream colored walls. Also missing were any signs of his silver haired soul mate.

Upon my entrance to the kitchen, I found Remus setting a plate piled high with numerous treats in the place I assumed to be mine. Remus joined me but only nibbled slightly at the small amount he had served himself. Even as shaky as my memory could be I knew that this was very unusual for two nights before moon time. Normally the werewolf had devoured everything in sight. Conversation came easily, with Remus steering the flow toward safe avenues of discussion. He noticed that Arabella had taken the initiative of cutting my hair to shoulder length while I was briefly in her care, and that I had not brought Buckbeak as my traveling companion. Exhausted by this final stage of my journey, I could feel my eyes start to close even as I finished my tea. Remus chuckled softly as I fought to stay awake. "The guest room is ready for you Sirius," Remus hinted as I slowly lost my struggle against the overwhelming weariness threatening to claim me where I sat. I started down the hallway but turned to face Remus from the doorway of what promised to be a comfortable yet very lonely room. He was still standing where I left him, taking in my appearance with an undisguised stare. "Moony," I hesitated, reluctant to start down a path for which I had no guide, " tomorrow we need to talk...about important things." "Yes, Sirius," came his steady voice, "tomorrow we will talk." I entered the cozy guestroom shutting the door with a hollow thud; again I was alone. Surveying what was to be my home for an undetermined amount of time, I found the surroundings to be very comfortable; large lonely bed, desk, chair and dresser. There was a picture on the nightstand of Harry, Ron and Hermione all waving enthusiastically laden with sugar quills and chocolate frogs, a thoughtful touch I mused. Remus had provided soft flannel pajama pants to ward of the chill of the late July air. I crawled into bed and reaching to extinguish the spice scented candle I stopped and instead tried and accomplished a simple wandless spell. I was starting remember. I gave myself a congratulatory smile, fluffed the pillow and pulled up the covers. This was the first time I'd slept in a clean comfy bed for over fourteen years. I was safe in Remus Lupin's well-protected home, safe enough to sleep in human form for the first time since my escape from Azkaban. My last memory was of the door next to mine gently opening and closing, Remus' study I presumed. Soft music mixing with the rich spice scent lulled me to deep sleep, where my dreams of canines running in the moonlight could be enjoyed with out regret.

++++

Remus leaned back in the leather chair behind his large oak desk, listening to soft familiar music; while silently berating himself for his sudden lack of the control he had been legendary for. 'He's only just arrived on urgent business, fresh out of the wizarding equivalent to hell, and here you sit ready to maul him over dinner, just to satisfy a freshly reawakened desire for carnal gratification. You don't know if he still has desire for you, or the capacity to desire' Remus's conscience finished its an assault on his heart and other emotionally charges areas of his anatomy. 'If I keep toting this around,' Remus smiled wryly, a strong hand lowering to his prominent erection, 'I'll have to explain that I've purloined a wand for him and I'm keeping it safe in my trousers, box and all. Perhaps he'd be willing to hunt for it.' Remus chuckled, his hand still moving in a slow steady motion. Stopping abruptly, the frustrated werewolf glanced around the room, a smile coming to his pale features. 'Oh, Prongs you must be getting a hell of a laugh out of this, get him for me Monster. Extinguishing the fire he headed up stairs to the shower intent on finishing what he'd started. * Sirius woke early the next morning, slightly confused as to his surroundings, but recovered quickly. Dressed in comfortable robes found hanging in the closet, he opened the door intending to head toward the kitchen. Always the curious pup, Sirius turned briefly to notice the door he had heard Remus enter the night before, and was tempted to venture a peak. Immediately he cursed himself, 'you lost his trust once, you'll never do it again, and certainly not over something as silly as a glance at whatever moldy old books he keeps in there. Firmly scolded, he turned and walked in the direction of last night's meal. Entering the kitchen Sirius stopped short not expecting to find Remus already seated at the table enjoying a breakfast of tea and scones. "Good morning Padfoot," Remus greeted him cheerfully, "I apologize, I had no idea how late you would sleep so I started breakfast without you. Are you hungry? I have eggs, muffins, scones or I could whip- up some French toast if you'd like." Sirius smiled at the offer, it had been a very long time since someone cared if he ate, let alone what or offered to prepare it for him. "What you have on the table is fine," Sirius answered softly. Remus rose from his seat and collected a plate, cup, and other utensils for his friend's use. He added more scones to the serving tray and heated water for tea. No gesture, not ripple of clothing, nor small sight of skin was lost on Sirius. Every move the smaller man made was as exhilarating to watch as a precisely planned and executed Quidditch match. Displaying a great deal of newly acquired self control Sirius resisted the urge to pull the werewolf down on his lap and devour /him/ for breakfast. Surely those soft sweet lips would be far more satisfying than the light dusting of powdered sugar coating the scone? Suddenly Sirius looked up from his daydream, to find an amused Remus staring at him with smiling eyes; a soft velvet tongue slowly snaked out to moisten the werewolf's slightly swollen lips. 'Oh, shit,' Sirius thought, visibly blushing, 'was I imagining out loud...oh gods, was I tonguing the scone?' Closing his eyes briefly Sirius fought to recover his composure. Remus mused over his friend's reaction to what he considered a subtle step toward flirting. After all flirting had always been Sirius' forte; Merlin knows he'd watched him do it enough times with all those different boys, but for Remus this was a first. 'Be yourself,' the werewolf's brain screamed, 'you've known this man for over twenty years and you've never resorted to plans and tricks before, why start now?' "Would you like to go for a walk after breakfast?" Remus found himself asking the too quiet form of his best and only friend. "The woods are very secluded and in addition to the wards I have placed around the house and grounds; Dumbledore has promised we will be quite safe as long as we stay here......together,' Remus finished hastily, voice trailing off has he realized it sounded as if he were justifying something. Remus, however, found there was no need to worry as Sirius accepted his invitation with an eager grin.

Although oblivious to the scene they created the two wizards made a striking pair wandering through the thick wooded landscape. Separated in height by several inches the taller ebony haired man, walked with a passion and purpose that confirmed a whirlwind of youth still remained within his heart; yearning to be released from the scarred exterior guise. While shorter in stature and slighter of build his honey haired companion covered the distance with a grace and dominance rivaled only by the majestic beast pacing caged within his soul. Neither man slowed nor hastened to accommodate the other, no adjustment was necessary, they moved as though they were one.

When they reached a small open space Remus perched on a fallen tree trunk; long legs folded up in front of him, chin resting on knees, arms circled around shins. The ex-professor looked anything but scholarly as he watched his childhood friend stride restlessly about the clearing. Realizing that Sirius' long isolation must make social interaction difficult at best; Remus waited patiently for indecisiveness to be replaced by the determined mind -set he knew would win. He didn't have to wait long.

Sirius stopped suddenly and turned to face his friend; an almost child-like expression masking his slender yet still ruggedly handsome face. "It's been fourteen years and I still miss him." Sirius began; sounding more confused than grief-stricken. "There isn't a day that I don't see James or Lil's face, that I don't want to go visit them. I still don't remember that they're dead," Sirius finished, the last word falling with disbelief.

Remus waited to be certain that Sirius had completed his thought. When it was obvious that the broken hearted canine now expected a reply, Remus sighed and tried his best not to sound like a teacher speaking to a homesick first year. "That's perfectly understandable Siri," the calming voice began, "twelve years in Azkaban and two more spent mostly as a dog hardly constitute grief counseling or group therapy." Remus unfolded his legs and let them fall to either side of the wooden seat that nature had provided. With a nod of his head he invited his now very vulnerable looking friend to join him. The tall gaunt man sat facing forward just in front of the solid presence of his only anchor in a very stormy world. "Padfoot, I've had years of only my own company; to relive and come to terms with what happened that horrible night. And when I thought I might have at least learned to live with it, I found that the reality I had created was at the expense of you living in hell." Remus paused to collect his thoughts and emotions; perhaps he wasn't as ready for this as he thought. "I miss James and Lily everyday, but we can't change what happened. You can't give Harry back his parents anymore than I can give you back your lost youth, although I desperately wish I could." Remus considered wrapping his arm around Sirius, but decided it would be better to let him be the one to reach out; Remus had noticed his reluctance to be touched when he arrived the previous night. "Sirius, you have to give yourself time to learn to /live/ with James and Lily not being here. You've not been able to do that; you've only lived with the wretched memory of that night being played over and over again. You have to give yourself time Siri; time to see that there is a life still left to be lived. Distracting yourself with protecting Harry this past year, although necessary, has only delayed the healing, you have to learn to live in the moment and for the future, not just in a daze of distraction bent on tuning out reality." Remus was silent hoping he hadn't been too tough on his apparently still fragile friend. Sirius sat still as a muggle statue for long moments, with the only sound coming from their rhythmically beating hearts. Suddenly Sirius turned, descending on the smaller man with the force of a hurricane. Remus unexpectedly found himself with Sirius' head buried in his neck, quickly being drenched by the flow of long dammed tears. Remus wrapped slim, comforting arms around the still strong heaving shoulders of his shattered friend. Neither man had any idea how much time had passed when Sirius' tears finally ebbed. Feeling his friend, now silent in his arms, Remus realized that holding Sirius was something he definitely wanted to do on a regular basis... preferably in bed... naked. Remus took a deep breath, and quickly reminded himself of the horrors that Sirius had endured. To say that Sirius had lived was an outright lie; he merely had an existence that allowed him to grow older. In many ways Sirius was still as young as he was the night James died, yet aged without the benefit of new experiences to draw on. Only in the past two years had he been granted happy thoughts again and Remus knew that those were few and far between.

Noticing a shift in Sirius's position Remus looked down to find his friend staring at him through clear focused eyes. Not moving from the comfort of the werewolf's shoulder; Sirius suddenly spoke, his voice still rough with the tears that had racked his body only moments ago, "I need to know what you've been through Moony, what you've done all these years?" Before Sirius could stop himself the words continued to clatter from heart to tongue without consulting his brain, "How did she die?" Immediately shocked by his own thoughtlessness, Sirius closed his eyes and began to stutter an apology burying his face in the still damp soft honey hair. To Sirius's surprise Remus gently lifted his chin forcing him to meet his gaze. "I'll tell you everything," Remus promised flatly, "just give me until tonight". Even after this startling exchange Remus swore he could feel the electricity between them, but was it just him or could Sirius feel it also? Reluctantly he pulled away; knowing that forcing himself to separate from Sirius was one of the hardest things he had ever done. But he also knew it wasn't right, not here, not now, but soon. Remus knew it was no longer possible to ignore his desire for this incredible man but he simply had to be certain the desire was mutual, he wouldn't risk losing the most important person in his life; not when they had just found each other again. Remus rose and gently brought Sirius to his full height using only the fingers he still held under his friend's chin. The strength of his slender friend never ceased to amaze or excite the more than slightly aroused wizard. Sirius liked the sound of that...his friend... yes, they were still friends, but could they ever be more?

They walked in comfortable silence back to the house. Remus went to prepare lunch, leaving Sirius to entertain himself. Still shaken from the mornings-emotional release, Sirius decided Padfoot could do with some exercise and there was nothing better than a little squirrel chasing to clear ones mind. Racing about the yard helped Sirius to forget how close he had been to Remus; and how much closer he would have gotten if only he thought before he let those awful questions slip from his tongue. Of course he wanted to know what his friends life had been like, but Monsters death was not something he was sure he was ready to ask Remus to relive. Moony should have been allowed to bring these matters up on his own. But as Remus had said several times you can't change the past even if it just happened. Chasing a rabbit around the back of the house Padfoot stopped, noticing the curtains teasing in and out of what had to be Re's study. Trotting over to the tempting opening into Remus' private world Padfoot steadied ready to jump when a voice cold with disappointment stopped him dead. "Padfoot, lunch is ready," Remus stated, a closed expression clouding his beautiful face. It was the first time since the shrieking shack incident that Sirius had seen that expression. He had crossed the boundaries of trust and Remus would have every right to ask him to leave. Sirius decided to remain in animal form as long as possible. Slowly he followed at the werewolf's side, head lowered and tail between his legs. As they walked toward the front door,to Sirius' surprise, Remus reached down and scratched his ears. "Later," Remus stated simply, "after dinner."

With lunch finished and dishes cleaned Remus politely retreated to his study placing a locking charm on the door. Sirius did not expect nor receive an invitation to join him. Still feeling rather tired from his long journey and fearing the evenings events would be at least as emotionally draining as the mornings had been, Sirius decided to return to his comfortable, if not lonely room, for a short nap. Having enjoyed the spice scent during his sleep the night before, Sirius lit the bedside candle and once again drifted off lulled this time by familiar but unplaceable music coming from the forbidden sanctuary of the room next door. 

++++

The sun had traveled low in the summer sky casting long shadows over the bed and its peacefully sleeping inhabitant, when a pensive Remus Lupin knocked softly on the guestroom door. Receiving no response he slowly pushed the door open and walked quietly to the bedside.

Staring down Remus found he was holding his breath. Sirius was still enticingly beautiful. He was also far too thin, but that could be fixed and Remus was up to the challenge. If the night's revelations didn't destroy everything, then the werewolf would be seeing a lot more of his old friend then just bare shoulders. Of course Remus had seen a great deal more of his pack-mate than he was gazing at now, the whole of Hogwarts had. Sirius never hid his delectable body when they were in school; whether practicing Quidditch in nothing but cut off blue jeans, or portraying an 'all but naked slave' in some tragic play for Muggle Studies, Sirius was proudly on display for all to see. The girls were allowed to look, far too many boys were allowed to touch, but Remus had simply walked away. The reality of his best friend enjoying a romantic physical relationship with another boy had never bothered him; it was the amount of boys that disgusted Remus. Although he had always dated females in school, it was more out of a desire to be normal in at least some fashion that caused him to ignore his own gender, namely Sirius, hell only Sirius. He didn't really consider himself gay, just attracted to Sirius, but he wouldn't allow himself to become just another bristle in his friend's already bushy broomstick. No their friendship was far too valuable to risk losing it over a single tumble in the sheets and for Sirius that's all it would have been at that time; simply a desire to polish his skills with a comfortable friend. At least their friendship seemed valuable, until that horrible night in the shrieking shack. That's when friendship took on a look and its name was Monster. Remus quickly dismissed the direction his mind was taking him. The past is over, I'm moving on. Please let her be right, please let this gorgeous creature still desire me, I know /now/ it can be so much more. Remus took a deep breath and reached down placing his hand on Sirius' soft, bare shoulder; he pulled back immediately as if he'd touched an open flame. Perhaps he had, the fire this man sent burning through his body at a mere touch was far more magical than any power Remus could ever hope possess; if only it spread both ways.

Sirius' eyes fluttered open meeting Remus' amber gaze. "It's almost time for dinner," Remus said rather ominously, "I thought you might like to shower first." Biting his lip as though debating further conversation Moony dropped his gaze and quickly fled the room. Much to Sirius's surprise Remus had forgone traditional robes and selected instead a soft cotton rugby shirt and well worn muggle jeans that fit perfectly in all the right places. 'Tonight will be interesting,' the very curious canine thought to himself.

Not finding the jeans and tee shirt Remus had loaned him the night before, Sirius instead gathered a towel and clean robes then headed to the bath. Immediately Sirius discovered that he need not have brought the robes, Remus had already provided tonight's desired apparel. Hanging on the hook were black leather muggle pants and a white linen, slightly gothic shirt with lacing at the neck. 'Sweet Merlin, what am I in for,' thought Sirius?

After a shower and shave Sirius stood frozen in the still steamy room; paralyzed by the mirror image of himself. It had taken only moments after dressing for fear to flood over him. His hosts clothing selection was no longer a mystery; it was as clear and ominous as the Dark Mark above James and Lily's house had been so many years before. These were the clothes he'd been wearing that night. This is where their painful journey through the past would begin.

All foolish teenage dreams that Remus would divulge secretly wanting him as a lover shattered into icy spikes as images of long Azkaban days and haunting nightmares took their place. He asked Remus for this, he wanted to know; just as he had asked for the confrontation with Monster almost twenty years before. She had revealed a truth to him that wasn't what he had wanted to see; but he had become a better person for it. Sirius had run from the hell he started that night with Snape, he had left Remus to die at his own hands. He would not run again. Sirius had asked Remus to recount these lost years and to relive the death of someone he loved. This night would determine the course of their friendship; and this time he would face the terrors, whatever the shadow of the past revealed, at Remus' side. Padfoot was being given a second chance to help bare the pain he was sure the wolf would inflict on Remus' soul. He would take all the pain the werewolf need to share, and if Remus would let him, Sirius would stay to help put the pieces of his heart back in place.

++++

With one last calming breath I entered the kitchen and was surprised to find a cheerfully whistling werewolf standing at the stove. Scents of chicken and pasta blended gently with the simmering creation Re was tending. Relaxed by the absence of the earlier foreboding tone in Remus' voice, I crossed to the stove and playfully dipped a long finger into the sauce he was stirring. Suddenly fear raced through me as Remus grabbed my wrist bringing my hand level with our connected stare. Without warning he swiftly encircled the full length of the dripping digit within the warm moist cavern of his mouth; deftly molding his strong velvet tongue to the curve if its momentary guest. Never breaking eye contact he forcefully sucked it clean, then released me into the cool kitchen air with a soft wet smack. "Needs more salt," Remus stated, licking the creamy residue from his soft full lips. Instantly a teasing glow returned to his features. This man has no idea what he does to me. My mind screamed as it fought the tightening of the very revealing leather pants. I tried to maintain an equally joking air while positioning myself at more discreet angle "Siri will you open the wine," Remus asked, indicating a bottle on the counter. Not trusting my voice I merely nodded and reached for the wand he'd left on the sideboard. "No," Remus snapped, but immediately let out a sigh then continued, "Please Paddy use the wine-key that's on the table. The only magic tonight will be that which binds past to future and hearts with souls." That said Remus turned to stir the now lightly salted liquid.

I stood staring at the unusual bottle and the equally foreign wine- key. "Yellow Tail Australian Shiraz," I read allowed, holding the bottle across my palms. "I'm sorry for the inappropriate wine selection," Remus apologized, mistaking my tone. "I've never cared for white wine, so Monster served a Shiraz or a Merlot with almost everything." There the name was finally spoken. I tried to gage the tone of his voice; but there was nothing to analyze. No sorrow, no longing, simply a statement. Picking up the wine-key I searched my swiss cheese memory for some clue to its proper use. After several moments I sensed Remus staring at me. Turning my gaze to the stove I found him eyeing me with amusement. "Come on Siri," Remus said with a laugh, "you can do it. Just slide it in slowly then rock gently back and forth to work it open," he instructed amber gleaming with mock innocence, then turned to carry plates to the dining room. 'This was no longer funny;' I fumed, as Padfoot growled at the retreating form of the quietly giggling werewolf.


	5. Memories of Moonlight- A Gift to the Living 2

Dinner was a delicious but quiet affair, I managed to go unscathed by what I assumed was my friends attempt at light- hearted jest. Perhaps he was trying to brighten the mood before we embarked on a road that would surely be difficult to emerge from in a jovial manner. After all, Remus had always joined in the sometimes-flirtatious humor the Marauders enjoyed. It was all a big joke as far as Moony and Pete were concerned; but James knew I always paid special attention to Remus. Any opportunity to sneak a playful hug or lounge side by side on his bed was a welcome occasion. At one point during the meal Moony's foot did slide up my calf, but I was certain it was just an accident, as Remus was unaccustomed to having to share table space; and he definitely looked quite flustered as soon as I moved my leg. Of course this simple contact that caused my friend to blush with embarrassed frustration only served to remind me how tight these damn pants really were; how did I manage to endure this aching constraint in my youth? Oh well, at least I knew there was one part of me that survived Azkaban fully functional.

After dinner we cleaned up with the use of muggle dish soap. My curiosity got the best of me when I found the funny little spray hose on the sink; causing Screech, Re's old owl, to become very upset about the sudden indoor storm. The shot between the eyes however caused the old owl to move faster than he had in years. Remus did not escape the impromptu shower either as I reminded him, he never should have threatened me with the garden hose. Sweet Merlin, but it was good to laugh again. The quick thinking professor won in the end of course; wielding a skillet as a shield Remus managed to deflect my finest move, with the water ricocheting directly in my own, now soggy, face.

Lowering the makeshift water repellant, Remus's smile slowly faded to a simple soulful gaze. I realized it was time to begin a journey neither of us really wished to take. A journey on which the only protection against the painful past would be the comfort we found in our shared strength.

"Sirius, let's sit on the porch for a few minutes," Remus softy suggested, "I need a little fresh air."

Remus lead the way to a large open porch that graced the front of the vine covered home. Passing the chairs, he chose to occupy the swing; leaving room for me to join him.

Sitting next to one of the bravest people I had ever known, I felt tingling barbs of guilt as I smiled at the sight of the silver gray orb that caused my friend so much fear and pain. In just over twenty- four hours Padfoot and Moony would run together for the first time in almost fifteen years. I longed to see the majestic wolf and run at his side. Only then could I be as close to Remus as I desired. Only then would we nuzzle and wrestle and sleep curled together as one.

It was a beautiful summer night, perhaps instead of braving the story of long lonely years Remus would be content to sit on the swing simply enjoying the silver swirl of stars and moon we had so closely mirrored in our golden days of youth. It would be so easy to reach my arm around his shoulders, urging him to lean into my loving embrace. But no, that is one thing of Remus I could not bring myself to expect. Remus did not run, he faced things, and he obviously had specific plans for tonight, I reminded my self trying not too think of the clothing we wore.

"Paddy," he began slowly, "what I share with you first should come at the end of my story."

I nodded slowly not wanting to break the spell his voice seamed to be effortlessly casting over my heart.

"I know it will be difficult, but you must promise me you will not blame yourself for the events that have taken place in my life during these past years." Remus waited searching my face for willingness to comply with this impossible demand. Obviously skeptical as to my agreement he tried again. " If you insist on believing that every unpleasant thing that has happened to me is a direct result of your choices concerning James and Lily then we may as well stop now because we will never be able to move forward." He paused, turning toward me and taking my hand in his, "Padfoot, I very much want you in my life. I love you Paddy, you're the only friend I have left, but I can live with that; because you are also the only one who can make my life complete."

I searched my friend's solemn, almost pleading face. It was a start,he wanted me as a friend; and even after all these years he still loved me as a brother and needed me in his life. This was no time to read too much into things, take it for what it is now, if it's meant to be more it will happen.

Finally I settled for simply squeezing the strong, soft hand that was just barely caressing mine with lightly callused fingers tips. "I won't run this time Re, this time I'll be here for you."

My words seemed to be enough. He smiled in return; then releasing my hand stood and walked to the edge of the porch. Standing in the light of the moon, just twenty-six hours shy of full, I could visibly see Remus fighting his daily battle, but now at a far more fierce level.

"The wolf is /so/ close Paddy," my struggling friend almost whimpered, "you must listen very carefully. So much depends on your understanding and acceptance of what you have asked me to reveal tonight." Very softly Remus continued, "It could change your life Siri, forever."

The final word was spoken barely above a whisper, but he knew I heard him. Rising from the porch swing I crossed to Re's side. Bringing my hands to his shoulders, I looked deep into now glowing golden eyes,Moonys eyes, then pulled Remus into a light embrace. "I asked you to share this Moony," I whispered in his ear, "I want to know. I want to understand." As though moving by a power of their own, my lips brushed then gently traced along the delicate ear. Not really a kiss, not unless he wanted it to be. Remus backed away disbelief showing clearly in his eyes, though for my words or actions I did know; nor did it matter, for as swiftly as it had shown its self the look was replaced by one of calm determination.

"The first thing you need to understand," Remus began, "is why I love the private comfort of my study. After tonight it will be yours to share if you choose."

"Remus you've always been comforted by moldy old books," I teased.

Remus shook his head slowly, "There are very few books in my study Siri."

I must have appeared scandalized for he smiled and rolled his eyes in mock annoyance. "Actually Sirius," he began his confession, "I keep the past in there, to remind me that although I can't see them, my friends are never truly gone. Sirius, my study is filled with gifts from Monster. I know you didn't always get along with her Siri, but I loved her and no matter how long it's been or how many times I've gone over it in my mind, her death never gets any easier to relive. My study is the most comfortable place for me to talk about my past, because I'm surrounded by incredible memories. It is for that reason I must show you her final gift first."

Remus waited, allowing me time to speak if I wished, or possibly to change my mind about going through with this nightmare. But, now there was no desire to turn back, the only future I wanted was to be with this wonderful man, and to have that future, meant facing his past.

Understanding my silence as a cue to continue Remus took a deep breath and stared up at the almost full moon, this was something I had never seen him do in his youth. He had always loved the beauty of the moon, but hated it far worse for the monster it caused him to embody.

"Siri," he began replying to my unasked question, "I'm able to understand Moony in a different way now. I will always fight the monster he would command me to become, but now I've seen him, I've looked into his eyes, and that changes things....," Re's voice trailed off seeing the confusion in my stare. "Let me show you Paddy." Remus once again took my hand. He explained that he had not been able to return to Australia after Monsters death and until the previous summer he had no idea the things she left for him.

As we walked into the house and down the hall to his study, we never broke the simple bond of our clasped hands. At some point our fingers had intertwined by a will of their own.

Approaching the end of the hall we stopped outside the guest room door. "Sirius, it took me over a week to unpack all the carefully wrapped boxes she left. Albus stayed with me for several days before the term started; he was able to help me understand many of the missing pieces she had never shared with me." Remus paused, staring deep in my eyes, almost pulling at my soul as if deciding whether or not my unstable emotions could endure what was behind the door. Remus closed his eyes against the apprehensive look threatening to cloud his face for the first time since my outburst in the woods this morning.

Oh how I desired to whisk him into my waiting bedroom, leaving past and future in the hallway; locking us away in the perfect seclusion of our hearts and bodies; but that was always my way. Always hiding and running. No longer was I a child or a reckless teen. Clasped hands were not a declaration of love and commitment or of desire. They were a lifeline to each other as we entered the eye of the storm.

"Paddy," Remus hesitated his breath coming in deep controlled gusts, "do you remember the three full moons during school when Monster didn't join us?"

"Yes," come my confused reply. " I also remember the September full before James and Lily ....." I trailed off, unable to say the words. "She didn't join us then either.

"Actually she was working on a gift for us, all of us, but I didn't realize what it was until I read her diary and found these." Re ended, slowly opening the door.

He guided me to the center of the spacious room as my eyes became accustomed to the surroundings. The air smelt woodsy and wild. Adjusting to the dim light, I saw the room was decorated in browns and greens; the leather and wood furniture looking comfortable and inviting; the hearth- rug was a mossy cover to the earthy wooden floor.

Sensing the arrival of guests the obviously enchanted fireplace slowly ignited bathing the room in a warm golden glow, just as the silver blue shimmer of the nearly full moon shone suddenly through the sphere shaped windows rimming the joining point of ceiling and walls.

It was almost like the glow of the Forbidden Forest on the nights of the full moon, I thought to myself, then icy cold shivers ran slowly down my spine. Trembling with the fear of what would be illuminated by the flames as the firelight grew, I found myself being lowered into one of the large leather chairs in front of the fireplace. Re was kneeling next to me, encouraging me to raise my face to his. Finally, lifting my gaze to the picture above the mantel, I met the haunting blue eyes of Prongs for the first time in fifteen years. As I glanced around the room, the pictures covering each wall told the story of a different night. One for each of the full moons she missed. In all the pictures we wandered the moon bathed nights in animal form. Re had created this perfect setting, allowing us to run free for eternity.

"How," was all my whispered voice could manage?

"She used a very powerful concealment charm. As for how she could be in human form around the wolf, that comes in the middle of my story. If you think you'll be alright I'm going to get a bottle of wine. It's still early Paddy and we have all night. Take some time and look around." Re rose to his feet giving my shoulder a squeeze, and left the room.

At first all I could do was stare at the images of nights long past. Not until Remus returned did I dare to trust my legs.

Remus placed the bottle and glasses on a low table beside the fireplace then gracefully rose to stand in front of the mantel, and extended his hand to me. "Come on Paddy," he gently coaxed. "I'll stand by you."

I slowly walked to his side reaching to grasp the outstretched hand. Instead he slipped a supportive slim arm around my waist hooking a long finger in the top of the leather trousers. I instinctively draped my arm around his shoulders; leaning my cheek against his temple, comforted by the feel of soft honey hair and steady soothing breaths.

In the warm glow of the crackling fire we stood mourning the death of our friend, but for the first time we were able to grieve in the comfort of each other's strength, instead of in the lonely fear, anger and torment that each of us had always known. Unable to tear my eyes from those of the peaceful majestic stag, who had been my friend even before I knew what friendship was; I found my tears once again dampening the long strands of Remus Lupin's hair.

The picture in front of me was the largest in room. The slowly moving image was of the four us, as were all the others. Pete remained in the pictures. Remus explained, that to remove him from our past was to try and forget the person he was, and now that we knew what he was capable of, we needed to remember even the smallest detail that could help us fight against him.

I have no idea how much time passed as we stood before the beautiful visage that was ourselves plus two. As I stood there I began to feel the comfort of the memories that surrounded us. Keeping my arm around my friend's shoulders I dried my eyes with the linen sleeve encasing my remaining arm. Finally I was able to fully appreciate the details of the wonderful sight before me.

The picture was taken at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Hogwarts standing proudly in the background. In the foreground Prongs was standing in the center, the traitor perched in the scare of fur atop his head. Padfoot was standing to his right and Moony to his left, glowing canine eyes keeping me locked within their stare. Deciding that no threat was present, the ever watchful wolf and playful dog laid down beside the still standing stag, they rested in identical fashion, slightly on their sides, muzzles on paws. Occasionally they.... we ....stretched or growled softly, but were mostly content to bask in the beauty of moonlight and packmates.

I had seen Padfoot in reflection, of course, in mirrors or water surfaces, but through dog eyes and always just my face. It was eerie to see with human eyes the reality of my well- worn nickname. I could only imagine what it was like for Remus the first time he unexpectedly came face to face with the part of himself he knew most intimately.

`No, that's not true', I chastised myself, `you can do more than imagine what it was like for him. You can ask,' then quietly I did just that.

Slowly Remus reached up to gently stroke the neck of his alter ego. Moony bristled sharply and moved to lie between Padfoot and Prongs. Padfoot growled softly at Remus, then nuzzled closer to the startled tawny gray wolf.

"I never knew that Moony was beautiful." Remus hesitated as though still amazed at the thought, " I had always pictured myself a horrible beast. Then to see him living, breathing, playing and loving; made me appreciate his hatred of being caged for endless days, and then freed for only mere hours at a time. I try now to let him experience more through me than I ever have before. I try to play more. To fly, to swim, to take long walks and to even climb trees. I've found that Moony is much kinder to me when I haven't spent days on end reading and working on research. I should have realize all this when we were still in school, but I spent so much time being afraid of the wolf that all it did was make him stronger. I still have to be very careful with my emotions Siri. Most importantly anger and love. I told you earlier; Moony is very hungry tonight, he has the scent of his desired prey," an unexpected huskiness caressed my old friends words as he continued, "and I'm afraid this time he /will not/ be denied." Remus finished never having taken his eyes from the now sleeping wolf.

We spent the next hour prowling from picture to picture, watching the playful canines and majestic stag, reliving the carefree nights as the moonlit reverie unfolded within the rustic frames. Running the center of one wall was a series of muggle stills, it boasted fourteen progressive pictures that followed Moony, Padfoot and Prongs from the shack to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, first running and leaping then rolling and finally nuzzling.

Even when we reached the last wall, the one that showed the scenes of the September moon before James death, I was amazed at Moony and Padfoot. I had already thought Remus to be the spy and conceded to go only to keep Jamie safe. Yet, even then Moony and Padfoot were dawn together. Moony, of course, knew only the thoughts of the wolf, but Padfoot, although always in my control and governed by my mindset, still saw things in a simple canine process. Moony was love and friendship, and Padfoot responded in kind.

At the final picture I could only stare in amazement as I felt once again a jab of pain assault my heart. The picture was of Monster's wolf, it was of her alone, with only the shadows of Padfoot, Prongs and Moony cast long before her on the ground;. her amethyst eyes glowing in the silver moonlight. My god she was beautiful.

"Why is there only one of her?" I asked hesitantly.

"Well, she took the pictures so it wasn't easy for her to be in them, besides Monster never liked to be photographed, you know that." Re hesitated, then slowly continued, "There is another, it's on the desk."

I walked behind the large oak desk, curious to see the picture he found special enough to keep in constant view. I wasn't sure what I expected to find, but I knew it wasn't what stared back at me from the dark oak frame. The picture was of the two wolves lying side by side; their paws and muzzles touching, tawny, silver and gray fur all blending into one. When I picked up the frame, Moony's eyes meet mine, then he softly nipped Monsters ear. Her eyes opened, then they both rose to their feet, threw their heads back and howled. Suddenly the big black dog that is my alter ego bounded back into the frame and took his proper place, forcing Monster to the center spot. Now I knew what Remus meant when he said that Padfoot had a killer smile. The smiles on the muzzles before me could have garnered a laugh from even McGonagall.

The three canines had now settled into a sleeping humorous blend of fur, paws, muzzles and ears, so I gently returned the photo to its proper place. That's when I noticed the other picture on the desk; it must have been just behind the one I'd been holding. It was the only human picture in the room and almost a mirror image of the one I had just placed by its side. It was a picture I knew existed but had never seen; one I thought probably destroyed that horrible Halloween night. Taken after James and Lil's wedding, it was the only photo I had ever known her to consent to being in. It was the one of Remus and I swinging her on our clasped hands, smiling as we held her between us. That was why she allowed it to be taken, she knew it already existed only in animal form. Too bad it was a muggle still, I would have dearly loved to see that smile illuminate her eyes one last time.

I stood silent squeezing my eyes tightly trying to block the cascade of tears that would soon begin to fall. Strong hands were now caressing my upper arms as a slightly bony chin rested on my shoulder.

"Come sit by the fire Paddy," Remus's concerned voice whispered in my ear. I felt myself guided again by Remus back to the large leather wing chair I had found comfort in earlier.

Damn I was crying again, still clutching the picture I'd not been able to release. Remus was sitting on the ottoman in front of me, his legs spread wide enough that I could easily have dropped to my knees between them, wrapped my arms around his waist, and rested my head in the safety of his lap. His lap /oh gods/ so close to that heated sensitive area where I desperately wished to bury my mouth, tongue and teeth. Sweet Merlin, what is wrong with me, this was "listen to my friend relive hell night", not "cry my eyes out while I fantasize fucking Remus senseless time." Slowly I shook my head, trying to clear the mess that had compacted inside.

"Sirius, it's okay," I heard Re's calm voice parting the haze that had filled my mind. When I opened my eyes the picture was on the floor as were Remus and I. I didn't remember moving, but I was glad that I had. We were facing the fire our backs leaning against the ottoman Re had occupied a few minutes before. We sat with our legs stretched out before us thighs lightly touching. I was all right now, I could make it through this night, and tomorrow I would run with the wolf.

" Sirius, there are many things you don't know about Monster, and most of them matter only to me, but the few that are important are what I will start with, if you are still certain you want to hear this." Remus again offered me my escape.

"Yes Remus. I still want to know. I feel better and I know I can handle whatever you tell me. But after you finish there is something I need to share with you; maybe not tonight, but before we run together tomorrow." I tried to smile as I faced Remus, but it wasn't possible, the smoldering look on his beautiful face, wiped all emotion from my mind. `Oh, no,' I hadn't asked Re about the moon, `maybe he doesn't want me with him.'

"Paddy, before the sun rises, we will have discussed everything we need to in order to determine the course of our future, if you have something to say, it must be said tonight."

I nodded slowly, there was nothing else to do

Remus took one of those long cleansing breaths he swore were so important to keeping the wolf at bay, shifted slightly closer to me, took a long swirling sip of the bittersweet Merlot and began to bare his soul.

"First Siri it is very important realize that Monster believed that everything in life happened as a result of fate and destiny. That every detail of life is bound to another. Remember that Siri, it's very important.

As you know Monsters parents were both werewolves, her father by bite and her mother by birth. You might not know this Siri but an unborn child can live through transformation. Monster spent nine full moon nights in the womb of a wolf and was the first known child borne to a female werewolf without severe birth defects.

According to Dumbledore her mother was a very loving woman, but her father was very cold, except to his mate and a few close friends. After Natalia died he didn't know how to raise a daughter, he only knew and understood his work. Monster learned very quickly that to appreciate his work, was to be able to spend time with him. Seeking acceptance and love she eagerly allowed herself to become the subject of his experiments. He was willing to use his daughter, the muggles would say, as lab rat."

Remus paused for another cleansing breath, his last words spoken with the closest thing to pure hatred I had ever witnessed from the normally emotionally masked werewolf.

Having again contained his emotions Remus moved on, "Since Collum felt no reason to continue with his life, he also saw no need for Monster to live either. In the beginning most of his experiments were not dangerous, and were focused mostly on why some babies are contaminated at fertilization and some aren't. Over time though the lack of human contact and constant barrage of charms, spells and potions that were inflicted upon her slowly drained Monster of emotion, even as her natural power continued to increase. When she was fourteen Collum realized that although he was dying without his mate, Monster had no intentions of following him into the afterlife. So he decided that he needed to protect her from the evil he and Natalia had experienced. Although she would not have to face the fear of being hunted or caught as a werewolf he wanted her to always be capable of protecting herself; and the first thing he wanted her to have was knowledge.

Siri you've seen the houses he had in Colorado and you know how large they are. The one in Australia is smaller but is surrounded by many cottages. All three homes were used as "live subject" research facilities. Each home was able to house fifty subjects at a time. Some were muggles, but all were werewolves. Unbeknownst to the Ministry and his subjects, Collum was perfecting a knowledge and skill transfer charm that could be used on any object a person touched allowing him to glean the knowledge and abilities of their mind and body while repealing the emotion of their heart." Remus stopped noticing the look of confusion and shock clouding my face.

"Yes, Siri it is illegal; and its existence is believed by many to be a myth; but it was real and frighteningly simple. All he would do was charm the breakfast glasses and cups and the knowledge and abilities of the subject would be replicated in their finger- prints. He harvested the fingerprints, gleaned the desired information and transferred it to the predetermined recipient, namely Monster. That is why she was able to do all the things she could. The fact that there were muggle subjects to gain knowledge from allowed her the ability to fit into their world unnoticed. The muggle world is a perfect place to hide from many in the magical world. So at the age of fourteen Monster had the capabilities of many fully trained and highly skilled witches and wizards. But knowledge with out experience can be a very volatile thing.

Next came defense. Collum saw the possibility of being disarmed of ones wand a very crucial factor. Siri did you ever notice that Monster never used a wand?"

"Of course." I replied without having to search my memory. Her wandless magic had always amazed me. "Monster wasn't someone I felt comfortable questioning, and I was afraid if I asked you about it you would think I was spying on your girlfriend."

Remus sighed and shook his head at the last remark. "Siri, you were smarter than I gave you credit for. Hell, I didn't always feel safe questioning her at first," He ended with a soft chuckle.

Re took a long drink of his wine then gracefully stood, stretched and refilled both our glasses. I followed him with my increasingly hungry eyes through the entire sequence of unintended visual seduction. The muscles of his back, toned by the power and sinew of the wolf, rippled against the well-worn cotton fabric, causing my breath to quicken even as my cock once again wept against the leather prison it was crying to escape.

Repositioning myself with my long legs bent at knees against my chest I was able to hide the incriminating bulge straining within my pants. Remus this time stretched out on the floor in front of me, arms folded behind his head, staring at the ever-changing dance of the fire induced shadows cast on the ceiling. With his gaze drawn upward, during this momentary respite, I allowed my eyes to trace his body with an unmasked longing my tongue could only dream of. Even in a placid state, with him now lying flat, it was very easy for my eyes to enjoy the way his soft faded jeans outlined the every contour his obviously ample endowment.

Settling himself to begin again Remus bent his knees drawing his feet toward his arse, and my focal point was shrouded behind a layer of cotton folds. Drawing me back to a story I must admit I now found fascinating, my desire for Remus, retreated to the back of my heart were it continued to wait for the next opportunity to openly lust unnoticed.

"Siri, she always used a wand," Remus picked up the story, "two of them actually." After another short pause came the longest duration for which I had ever heard the quiet werewolf speak.

"Collum decided the only way to be truly armed was to have a wand implanted in said appendage. So he practiced on his daughter. Her right arm was used for almost everything, charms, spells, everything basic. Collum went to Dumbledore and told him that he was conducting research on the various materials used for wand cores. He convinced Albus to allow him to gather hair and the magical residue from a unicorn's tail and horn. Collum also convinced him to secretly allow him one of Fawke's feathers. He wrapped the unicorn offerings in the feather of the Phoenix and wove it into the muscles of her right arm spanning from index finger to elbow. If he had stopped there, she would still be alive today; but he was greedy and wanted to see just how much power he could gift her with. As we both know dark creatures always hold the promise of power, and that was the promise he wanted for his little girl.

So what does one weave into their daughters left arm, with the sole purpose of being used for combat and self defense? The ground talons and feathers of a Harpy of course. For a very intelligent man, he forgot a very simple fact. Harpies are used to carry the souls of the damned over the river Styx. If a Harpy loses its strength and touches the blood and souls the river contains, its feathers dissolve and it drowns in the midst of those whose souls it carried. See the problem we have here Siri?"

I nodded, knowing all too well what was coming next.

"That's right, Monster had the blood of two werewolves running through her veins, even though neither of them had ever created another, they were still dark creatures."

My heart twisted in pain and anger just knowing that Remus thought himself a dark creature as well, but this was not the time to remind him how very much I hated it when he spoke that way. But I would revisit the subject before the sun rose.

"In the moment he completed the procedure he effectively sentenced his daughter to death. When her blood came in contact with the feather it almost instantly began to deteriorate, slowly releasing the feather particles and talons into her blood and every pore of her body. She fought the darkness of the harpy's soul pulsing through her every day, just as fiercely as I fight Moony on the days before and after the full moon. No matter what happened in her life she would have been lucky if she lived to be thirty.

When Dumbledore brought her to Hogwarts he was aware of all that her father had done. But he refused to allow her to be picked apart and slowly killed by the Ministry bastards who would have called it research. The fact that she was willing to give her life to save someone she didn't know was what convinced Albus that she could be trusted to live with the other students. So you see Paddy, she believed that it was fate that caused you to do what you did, even though she condemned you for your actions. And that it was also fate that had guided her life thus far to bring her to the shack that night to save me. And ultimately to save you and me from each other. Moony was angry and would have taken her for a mate that night if she had allowed him to. She let him maul the hell out of her, and when she couldn't take it anymore, she transformed back and let Moony smell her for what she truly was. When he sensed the demon within her, he turned his anger inward to me. From that point on she could be in human form around the wolf. Moony respected her and had fun with her but he could never love her or desire to claim her.

During the summer she told me very little about herself except for what I told you in the shack that night. She mostly listened to me talk about the Marauders and myself. She was able to share many of my interests because of her vast knowledge and she loved to listen to me talk and read. She was comfortable with long periods of silence, and in that silence we both found a love we had never known.

But, as I glimpsed the darkness within, I started to question her, and she told me the truth. I knew the night of my birthday that what she did to Snape was real. She had the power and lack of conscience to let him dangle till he died. She also had the skill to release him and make sure he was healed before he hit the ground.

The next night instead of dancing on top of the astronomy tower, we held each other and cried while she told me almost everything Collum had done to her. She explained that Dumbledore made her recite Shakespeare and play Mozart so that she could learn to channel her emotions into something beautiful. So that she experience the beauty of the words and music not just the mechanics that come with knowledge. The gymnastics helped her to focus and concentrate. It had been a long time since she had to apply her self in order to learn something. Gymnastics also helped strengthen her body to more easily fight the beast within. If she had been as worn out as I was around the full moon, she would have died from the poison within her before Harry was ever born.

That brings me to our time in Australia. Sirius, I missed you desperately that first year. I talked about you all the time, and Monster encouraged my to do so. I found the very beginnings of the wolfsbane potion research among her father's papers. While I was working on using the information I found against Voldemort, Monster was traveling but I didn't know what she was doing. I have a great deal of respect for Dumbledore, but in times of war he can be very ruthless. He had her going into very dangerous places and using the knowledge transfer charm that her father had used to educate her. She was trying to collect information form Voldemort's supporters so the Dumbledore could see what he was teaching them. But in order to understand the information, there had to be a subject in which to implant the knowledge. Monster volunteered. The horrible acts of brutality she witnessed during that year were what caused her to look so broken when you saw her at Harry's birth. She told me what Dumbledore had her doing the night before Harry was born. That's why I looked so worn that night and also why I was always touching her. She needed to feel the warmth that only the closeness of a loving human body can provide.

The next year took its toll on me. We spent all our time researching wards to help protect James, Lily and Harry. I realized how desperately ill Monster really was, and the most draining thing of all was how very much I missed you Paddy. I felt like I was losing everyone I cared for and loved. I knew that when we moved back to England Monster planned on leaving as soon as she knew James and Lily were safe. She had no intention of me going with her. Our relationship was built on the truth that we both knew it wasn't meant to last. She felt that the time had come that I should move toward my own fate, my own destiny, but I had no idea what that destiny was. That's why she always had the cold look of determination in her eyes; although it broke her heart and mine, she thought she was doing the right thing.

I know you thought that we were gathering information for Voldemort when we visited Lily and James, but that's not what it was. She knew she would never have a child of her own just as I knew I was never meant to father a child. The bloodline just isn't something I would consider to be a gift. I would never have been able to live with my self if I condemned another to share my fate. I loved Harry very much but, I just couldn't touch him, being what I am, knowing that I would never be able to truly love him with out fear of hurting him somehow. I know better now.

Monster suggested the trip to the shack for the moon. She said I needed to run with Padfoot. I wanted to tell you everything Paddy, the research, the fear, the fact that my heart was breaking, and how very badly I missed you. But as you know Dumbledore forbade any of us to talk about our roles in the ongoing war.

Monster had offered James and Lil the use of any of her home as a safe house, but Dumbledore thought they were too far away to be watched closely enough. He now believes that was his greatest mistake.

If I'm correct Siri, you decided to change to Peter when Padfoot couldn't stay away from Moony during that last run. You thought I was the spy and that our canine devotion made you weak."

Remus looked into my eyes for the first time since he refilled my glass. I could barely meet his gaze as I dipped my head in an embarrassed nod.

"It's all right Siri, I forgive you. You thought you were saving James and Lily's life. I blatantly betrayed Dumbledore's trust many times in the past, I wish I had told you the truth."

"Damn it Remus, don't you dare sit here a blame yourself," my voice was sharper than I had intended, "you had no reason to doubt Albus' reasoning, none of us did."

"I know Siri, I'm sorry." After another sip of wine the werewolf was ready to continue. "You obviously know the events that took place between September 30th and October 31st. When I saw you that cold November morning standing there covered in blood wearing nothing more than the clothes you have on now; I thought my world had ended. Even after they sent you to Azkaban we weren't allowed to leave for Australia. Because of our questionable backgrounds Monster and I both had to go through weeks of questioning. After they released us, Monster and I decided stay together. The events of the past month had made us very close again. Closer than we ever had been.

We spent the next eight months traveling. We came back to England just in time for Harry's second birthday. The house across the street from those horrible muggles was vacant so we stayed in the house and had a perfect view to watch them. It was horrible Siri, we spent the entire day holding each other back form trying to run out and save him. They kept him in this cage, that Monster called a playpen. All I understood was that his great round ball of a cousin was allowed to roll around the yard at liberty while Harry sat neglected and forgotten behind the bars of loneliness I had know all too well as a child.

We spent most of our time in Australia continuing her father's research and developing the concept of a werewolf reserve for people who had a hard time living in society. There were frequent trips to see Harry, but the last time we returned was just before the November moon, two years after James and Lil's murder.

The actual reason for our visit was to go to Hogwarts and give Albus the Wolfsbane Potion pre-work, and he in turn gave it to Snape. Siri don't screw up face that way it's very unattractive."

Re had gone very pale in the last few seconds and I realized we had gotten to the part, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, but knew I must.

Taking a deep breath Re turned on his side to face the fire and stared glossy eyed into the unfeeling flames. Wanting to do something to ease the pain I knew he soon would face. I lied down beside him, not touching him, but close enough that he knew I was there if he needed me.

"Dumbledore knew we went to the shack for the moon," Remus started what I thought was the last of his story. "the night went well, just like normal. We were on the edge of the Hogsmead side of the forest when the moon set. I had already transformed and she was curled around me when a young towns boy came out of the woods. He didn't have a wand with him, instead he had a gun." Re trailed off, shaking his head, trying to steady his voice. " I tried to yell, to stop him, but he shot four times. They weren't even silver bullets; I don't know what the hell he was doing. Somehow she managed to transform back, when he saw she was fully clothed, he realized that he a just shot an animgus instead of the werewolf that was lying next to her.

He ran to the village to get help. Dumbledore happened to be there for a breakfast meeting and knew immediately whom the boy was describing. He was at my side within moments, but it was too late, there was so much blood Siri, so much blood. Albus draped his beautiful emerald cloak around me while I held her; even he knew it was too late. She tried to reach up to touch my face but she didn't have the strength. She who had always been so powerful, she had always been the strong one Siri. When I needed to forgive you after the shack, she held the anger I still felt. And when James and Lily died and I need to hate you, to just fucking hate you....she held all the love she knew I really felt. She refused to believe you were guilty Paddy. With her last words she tried to tell me, tell me that you were the one, but I couldn't let go of the hate long enough to hear the meaning instead of the words. All I could do was kiss her one last time before her amethyst eyes grew dull and vacant, before her soul left her, a soul that no matter how badly I thought I'd desired it, was never joined with mine."

The anger that tore at his honey soft voice was now softened to sorrow. The narrow shoulders that had been shaking with grief were now moved only by the rise and fall of his steady breathing. And through it all I had not had the strength to comfort him.

"I had never been on my own Paddy. I had never had to deal with all the emotions. I had lost everything. I thought you had betrayed James and Lily and then killed Peter. And the woman that I loved, that was so incredibly powerful and would have gladly given her life to save anyone fighting for the side of the light, was shot by some idiot, and died for no reason. But when all was said and done; I was alone. For the next nine years I moved, and moved and moved whenever people found out what I was. I had no work, no home and no love. Then I spent a year at Hogwarts teaching, and the last year I spent traveling between here, Australia and Colorado." Remus turned to me with a shaky smile, "And here we are."

I stared deeply into the amber eyes that I knew had just intentionally lied to me for the first time since we discovered that he was a werewolf. "Re, that's only eleven years, she's been dead for twelve." Remus had turned fully to the fireplace and made no attempt to meet my eyes. "Remus what aren't you telling me?" I questioned, the cold breath of fear lying full upon my words. "Nothing Paddy, I must have just misspoken." "No Remus, I may have spent twelve years locked away from you, but you're still you Moony, you're still you. Don't lie to me. You skipped the year right after she died didn't you? ...Didn't you?... Answer me damn it." My anger had broken through to him. "Yes, yes, I did and you don't want to hear it. Paddy." "Tell me Re." As I spoke I pulled Remus onto his back his head now resting on my forearm, as I leaned on my elbow, my face only inches above his own. I could tell by the change in his features, he had decided to go on. I raised my head slightly giving myself space to observe his every expression. With eyes closed he continued.

"After Dumbledore apparated to my side, the person he was meeting for breakfast arrived at the Three Broomsticks. Rosemerta thought she was being helpful by sending him after Dumbledore. Perhaps some people would have helped, but not Barty Crouch. I didn't realize Mininstry officials could be summoned so quickly in supposed times of peace. They found me out, Paddy. I was a werewolf and I had broken every rule there was to break. Crouch tore Albus' cloak from my shoulders and yanked me to my feet, gods Paddy, her broken bloody body just fell to the ground and he didn't even notice. I stood there naked and shivering, while they charmed the chains on my wrists and ankles. Dumbledore was furious but there was nothing he could do. `Take care of her I pleaded.' I didn't think I cared what happened to me, I had nothing left to live for. But I should have cared, oh Merlin help me I should have cared."

Re's eyes now were open but what they viewed was not an image I would ever clearly see. As his breathing grew shallower and the pain reflected in his eyes, I found my free arm circling across the slim expanse that was his flat abdomen and narrow waist. To my surprise he willingly allowed himself to be pulled against my own thin frame. Still lying on his back, Moony's golden glow struggled to break through the pain he was reliving. Remus refocused, nuzzled his temple against my upper arm and willed himself to continue.

"Failure to register, failure to seek and utilize proper containment, access to a wand while mentally impaired by post transformation hysteria. Never mind that the reason I was crying was because I was holding my dead lover in my arms. The list went on and on Siri. Dumbledore tried to have me released to his custody, but that was out of the question. They had an educated fully trained and very powerful werewolf in their clutches. I was to be made an example, in case others were foolish enough to hope to lead normal lives. But, even more satisfying to Crouch was the thought of destroying all that I had worked for.

I was taken to a werewolf education and observation facility. I don't pretend to understand the hell you lived in Azkaban Siri, but I know the depths into which I'd been thrown. The facility was a small dungeon in a remote castle in Germany. There were eighteen of us when I arrived. I was the only one who could, read, write or even form a complete sentence. Our pack, as they called us, consisted of six women, two young girls, three boys and five men. Two of the women were pregnant and very close to delivery.

I found out from the guards that all of the adults had been well educated at one time. The research was simply to determine the amount of time it took to lose your humanity. The thing I fought so hard for was a prize for them to take. For clothing I was given a piece of cloth even a house elf would be ashamed of. There was pit for a bathroom and showers once a week. Food was slid in on board. Most of the people had been there for over eight years, confined at the beginning of Voldemort's reign of terror. At first I tried to talk with the adults, tried to see if I could break through to them. It was like trying to talk to Peeves, they were wild and unpredictable. I did have some luck with the children. I worked on teaching them to speak, I used rocks against the wall to teach them to draw, anything to keep my mind as my own. They were frightening Siri, but the first full moon was the worst. I was terrified of what Moony would allowed him self to become. I was a sheltered werewolf Paddy, I'd never been around others who would encourage him to be the savage beast I feared. Fortunately Moony was strongest, and he never desired to claim a mate. He was content to wrestle with the pups, I taught as children, and curl up in the corner till the moon set. The morning after that first moon I was terrified to realize that I now looked forward to the moons. Of course a powerful wizard werewolf is a scary thing to the Ministry, so every time I used magic I was chained in corner and deprived of food. I was there for eight months before Dumbledore was able to free me. During that time, two children had been borne and mercifully had died almost immediately. There were no healers there and there was nothing I could do to save them, and I'm not sure I would have. One of the mothers died in childbirth. They came and collected the bodies and no one cared. The mate of the women that died mauled himself to death during the next full moon. I was released the following day. When the guards called me out I couldn't believe it. Albus was standing there waiting to take me to Hogwarts to the much needed care of Poppy, but there was an unbelievable look of sorrow in the headmasters watery blue eyes. He apologized and told me there was nothing he could do to stop them, it appeared there was one last law I had broken. One last thing that needed to be done. They took me to a make -shift hospital room to ensure I complied with the mandatory sterilization requirements. Siri, it was the one law I didn't know I'd broken, nor had I ever intended to so." With those words Remus stopped.

"Re I've read the laws, I wanted to know if anything had changed for you. That one hasn't changed. The only way they could force you to do that was if they could prove you had.....oh no, Re! Oh god no....Oh Moony, I'm so sorry.... Oh sweet Merlin Remus."

All I could do was stammer, as my friend lie motionless beside me; eyes dry and focused. This was a wound that had been well bled, only for me had he been willing to open the scar upon his heart one last time.

"Did she know?' They were the only words I could form and they tumbled from my mouth, thoughtless as they were.

"No, I don't believe she did or she wouldn't have transformed, she could have easily remained in human form and still have stayed with me." Remus sighed deeply, "Listen to me Siri, I want to explain something to you before you jump into that deep hole of despair you so love to sink in.

Paddy we have both lived our version of hell these past fourteen years. And we also both survived. I was released from the festering werewolf hell on Harry's fourth birthday, I obviously in no condition to go watch him. I stayed at Hogwarts until November, each full moon was a new form of hell. Finally after the November full, I took flowers to the spot where I held her as she died. I said good-bye, and didn't return until I started teaching.

As much as it hurts, and believe me it does, I know that Monster would stand here before you and argue to the very end that her death that morning was destined to happen, for that very reason.

Please don't dwell on this Siri, it's been twelve years and I spent everyday of the next ten that followed asking myself why and reliving that morning. Then when I saw you in the shack last year and held Padfoot's throat in my jaws, I at last knew what her final words meant. And in that moment even as I ran toward the forest, I realized I had a reason to live, a reason to go back to Australia and finally put that part of my life to rest, and Siri that reason was _you_."

I couldn't believe what he was saying it couldn't really mean what I wanted so badly to hear. It just couldn't. I looked down at Re's worried face, and realized it wasn't a dream but I'd waited too long to reply. But the werewolf wasn't so easily thrown off track.

Remus was now laying on his side, the golden glow of the fire playing in his hair and eyes. I'd seen this look before.

"Siri, do you remember the last time we talked like this?"

"Of, course. Up in the hay loft, in the barn in Colorado."

"I asked you who it was you'd fallen in love with, and you wouldn't tell me."

"We were interrupted as I recall."

"Yes, and you were also telling me a very interesting story about not being gay, despite all those boys you had. I believe you told me that 'it was simply a fact that your heart was destined to be with a certain man'. There's no one to interrupt us Paddy, will you finally tell me who you fell in love with?"

I was silent, after all these years, I still couldn't tell him. Remus looked deep into my eyes, and finally let out an exasperated huff before breaking the silence.

"There are other pictures.....upstairs....if you would like to see them Siri," Remus asked, gracefully rising to his feet. I merely nodded, my eyes squeezed tight against the rush of passion and fear threatening to over-run my mind and body.

Moony slowly left the room. I did not need further invitation to follow, nor to be told where we were going. I noticed that Remus had taken the glass he had cradled through out the evening. I raised my own glass to the smiling eyes of the watchful stag, grabbed the bottle of Merlot, and reverently shadowed Moony's footsteps up the stairs, into uncharted territory.


	6. Better to Give

_If I take from you your heart old friend / What then will you have left? / A body used but sated / Thou, it is I who'd be bereft_

When taking is a mission / Thought to heal the mind and soul / Then all is lost to us my love / For only giving makes us whole

++++

Reaching the top of the stairs I followed the golden glow of fire and eyes to the end of the hall. The thought of reaching the distant room brought a glorious aching to the pit of my stomach, be it fear or desire or the overpowering combination of the two, I was startled by its intensity. I felt as though I'd known Remus forever, but never had I known him in the way that I had dreamt of. The downstairs hall certainly wasn't this long, was it? My heart wanted to arrive at the golden light in an instant, but my mind prayed for the narrow passage to be ever lengthening, allowing me to never face the answer that fate was hiding just beyond the door.

Finally the hallway came to and end; praying that I would at last be able to claim the one thing I desired most in my life, the heart, body and soul, of Remus Lupin; I crossed the threshold. Suddenly frozen yet warmed at the same time, my eyes and heart were mesmerized by the sight which held them fast.

Remus stood at the window staring at the stars, bathed in the celestial glow of a midsummer night. This sight alone could have brought me to silent tears, but my eyes rested only briefly on the golden silhouette of the silent werewolf. I realized immediately I was being watched; everywhere I looked my eyes were met by the canine image of my own. The pictures of the past adorning the walls foretold the future with a clarity that would amaze even the most gifted professor of Divination. Some were muggle photos in simple black and white, few moved slowly under my intruding gaze, some nuzzled, some played, but all were of only of us.....Padfoot and Moony. I recognize the setting at once; they were taken in Colorado, she had believed in us all along. Tired of crying, yet too tired to fight the tears, I offered a silent prayer for the soul of the beguiling beauty and the unborn child that shared her grave. `I promise you I won't hurt him; never again.'

"Sit down Paddy," Remus instructed, never turning from the window.

I placed the wine bottle on the bedside table noticing the label for the first time; "Falling Star Merlot". Remus had no idea how appropriate his wine choice was. Thanking whatever deity had listened to my earlier pleas I sat on the edge of the room's only horizontal surface, Moonys large four- poster bed. We were meant to be together; Remus wanted this as much as I did. But for a werewolf it wasn't as easy as just falling into bed. Suddenly I was very nervous, he was going to find out and I wanted him to know, but it didn't mean he would believe me.

Remus was still standing at the window. I could hear him speaking quietly to himself, almost chanting. He reached his hands up and across to hug his upper arms, rubbing them to ward off the chill of the evening air, or perhaps the cold shiver of distant memories. I fought to stay seated on the bed, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and keep him safe. Not yet, something told me, give him a little more time. Then Remus spoke, his voice a ghostly whisper that even Padfoot strained to hear.

"I have seen stars in the mouth of the wolf. I know that hope is as sharp as our teeth, but the marking will come of pure love. Live in that love, not in a grave," again he was silent.

"That's beautiful," I ventured "I don't remember hearing it before, is it a poem or from a book?"

"You've never heard those words before Siri. Only Albus and I have."

I could hear the unshed tears in his voice, but still I sat, waiting for something, but I knew not what.

"They were the final words she spoke as she died in my arms."

I felt the silent sting of tears and words, words that had gone unheeded for twelve long years. Now I was moving, it was time to set her words to music, if only in my heart.

I was standing behind him now. Close, so very close.

"You aren't the only one who learned from her Re. I've loved you since we were fourteen years old. At least I thought I loved you."

Reflected in the window I could see Remus's beautiful face tighten with pain and fear, I had paused at the wrong place, quickly I continued on though not sure where I was going.

"I understand that you never knew I loved you in that way Remus and I guess it's better that you didn't return by feelings because I wasn't ready then and Monster made me see that." I stopped again, briefly studying the still frightened mask that had dulled Moony's eyes from liquid gold to tarnished bronze. "She was very good at making me see the dark side of myself and after what you've explained tonight I can see why she tried to save me. She showed me that everything I did was out of a desire to control and posses you. Every fantasy, every plan revolved around my pleasure and my needs."

The fear and pain were gone now, replaced by a questioning look that spurred me to press on.

"It took me a long time to realize what Padfoot's instincts taught him the first full moon."

I was standing so close to Remus, wanting nothing more than to show my feelings through touch not words, but the apprehensive look on the ageless face of my only remaining friend, bound my hands tightly to my sides. I still continued on, not from a need to confess, but from a desire to show him that I had finally grown up, at least a little.

"Padfoot knew to humble himself to the wolf, to submit to his approval and gratefully accept admittance to his pack. Then the wolf was happy to have him as an equal to run with and enjoy the protection of his love and devotion."

Now, I told myself. Do it now.

"Remus," I hesitated, slowly raising my arms to circle the slender waist of the trembling werewolf, "I never want to lose your friendship, but I can't stop loving you and desiring you as man; and I would never want to try." I hurried on without looking at his reflection in the window, instead choosing to bury my face in his flowing honey brown hair. My nose caressing the soft skin of his neck and tracing slowly upward to once again find the gentle curve of a delicate ear. "It's taken me twenty years to finally tell you but my heart isn't my own to control, it hasn't been since the first day I saw you and it's never changed."

I punctuated my profession of love by bestowing a breathy kiss followed by a soft bite to a very tempting earlobe. Then caressing my forehead against the warm flushed cheek of the only lover I had ever desired; I raised my eyes to the window to meet his reflected stare.

But there was no gaze to meet. Remus had his eyes screwed tightly shut, silver tears pearling on his long tawny lashes.

Only fleeting seconds had passed when the werewolf turned, still within the circle of my arms. His eyes again the color of molten gold, but this time only thin golden bands circled the dilated pupils. Golden bands, bands of desire, bands of bonding. Yes, if the wolf would have me I would gladly bind myself to this golden creature. Sweet Merlin if this was really to happen I would gift Remus with another gold band, a band to show the world what he means to me, will always mean to me.

"The wolf demands far more than your heart Siri," the warning tone in Remus' voice was unmistakable even as his soft wine kissed breath trailed over my face; his nose lovingly caressed mine in an unmasked display of wolfish desire.

I brought my hands up, gently framing his face; firmly bringing us nose to nose. I was staring directly into the twin gold-rimmed mirrors of his soul. "Anything Moony demands. Everything you desire Remus, just tell me. I'm yours."

His eyes searched the depths of my soul, then gently closed as his head slowly tilted diminishing the distance between us; our lips meeting for the first time, soft and sweet. His velvet tongue traced the line of my lips finally seeking a partner who had long awaited this heated swirling dance. Our tongues met in a frenzy, caressing, teasing, tasting, exploring, and loving.

With lightening speed, Remus had turned us. My back was to the wall; the werewolf's strong lithe body firmly pressed against me. I closed my eyes tightly, tangling my hands in his long hair, moaning into the air beside his ear, as he firmly pressed his straining erection to my own aching need.

Remus suddenly pulled back, his eyes boldly searching to the corners of my soul. The wolf demanding nothing less than complete submission.

"Are you sure, Paddy; are you absolutely sure? This isn't just another tumble in the sheets. It's not like when you were in school. _You_ can still walk away afterward, but if you do, I'll die." Re's eyes were pleading with me to understand the importance of my decision, but the choice was made long ago, and now I had to tell him.

"Yes, I know what this bond means and I know this is forever. I will never walk away. Re, you're my first and you'll be my only."

Moony's golden orbs penetrated my heart with an uncomprehending stare. I didn't blame him I wouldn't have believed me either.

I dropped my eyes to the floor quickly stammering on before he could question me, "I dated a lot ...but only to make you jealous.....I never, I couldn't, and I sure the hell wouldn't let them! I just....oh gods," I slowly raised my eyes determined to make him understand how important this was to me.

"I waited for _you_ Remus. I _waited_ for you."

Remus met my storm tossed eyes with an amazingly tender stare.

"Siri, are you telling me you're a virgin....in _both_ ways?

"Yes."

Remus shook his head and pulled me into a tight embrace, hands firmly tracing my sides and back, his still straining cock pressing against my thigh. I groaned into his hair, wanting nothing more than to be deflowered, and quickly.

"I can never regret what I shared with her Siri." Remus started to apologize but I cut him off.

"I never want you to regret _anything_ about the time you shared with her," I protested, "I owe her everything. If it wasn't for her, I truly believe you would have died by your own claws in a broken down, dirty shack, at the age of seventeen, and it would have been my fault. Besides," I admitted, "it's not like twelve years of forced celibacy really counts for much. I'm not sure I would have made it much longer after that full moon before James and Lily ...." I trailed off again still unable to say the words.

Remus released me from the embrace, and walked back to the window and back.

"Padfoot, I don't know if this will help or hurt but I think I should tell you. Moony has always known that he and Padfoot were meant to run together, and so did Monster, I was the only one not listening. She would have happily stepped aside if she thought you were ready. I think she thought you were after Harry was born, that's why she was going to leave, but then everything fell apart. But we already went over this and we can't change the secrets that we thought were best to hide." Remus paused, took a deep breath and focused on my eyes. "Monster never doubted herself and the role she was meant to play in my life until the day you were taken to Azkaban. That was the first time she allowed her self to physically acknowledge how much she really loved me. Siri, that night was the first time we ever made love; and Moony whimpered the whole time."

One silver tear traced its way down Remus's apologetic face.

"We thought we had lost you forever and I knew she was dying, I was going to lose her too. I loved her Siri, and I wanted her. If I was doomed to spend my life without the only people that had ever returned my love, then I at least wanted to fill the time I had with memories to cherish. But even though Moony stopped whimpering, the silence that results from half your soul being frozen by the betrayal it felt was being committed, does nothing to fuel the fiery passion that should ignite between lovers. The worst part was that she knew, every time, and yet she accepted what we were able to give to each other with out regret. _I_ could have lived happily with her Siri, but _we_ never would have been complete, would never have known the joining of wolf and man with our one true soul-mate."

Remus reached down and gently interlaced our hands brought my fingers to his lips and kissed them tenderly.

"Please Paddy, if you're sure, if this hasn't changed things, make me whole, fill that space in my soul that only you can." Remus dropped his gaze to my hand pressing it close to his forehead.

"Remus look at me," I waited, needing to see his face. I needed him to know how royally pissed off I was. "You were willing to take me as your mate, thinking that I had fucked half the male population at Hogwarts and most likely that I had allowed half of them to have me. But you think that _I_ would walk out on _you_ , because you chose the night I went to Azkaban to finally make love with someone who meant world to you. The one person that was still there for you when your world crumbled? _Sweet Merlin Remus_ if you think I'm that shallow why in the name of all that's holy are you willing to trust me with your _soul_?"

"Because I'm not holy, Paddy, but you've always loved me just the same. You're able to love the part of me I hate the most."

I could feel the renewal of heated desire building in my groin as Re's talented tongue teased lightly across his oh so kissable lips.

"Sirius, I know you understand the life changing reality this night will bring to both of us, and if you are willing to offer your self to the jaws and desires of the wolf, then it really wouldn't matter if you'd spent the last two years doing a three way with Snape and McGonagall. From this point on, it's only us. Moony and I both love you Paddy."

"I know you love me Remus, but I'm sorry you'll have to do better than that, there's only one word I need to hear and I've waited twenty years for it, how much longer is it going to ........" Instantly his mouth was covering mine, demanding deep, wet, soul searing kisses as greedy loving hands began to strip away the fabric of the past; desperate to reveal the naked truth of our mutually desired future.

Re's long elegant fingers found the lacing at the collar of my linen shirt and deftly untied the knot with his left hand even as the right plunged within the band of leather circling my waist. After twelve years in hell I still had the fashion sense to know one wears nothing except ones skin under such formfitting garments, and that was exactly what Re found, as he firmly held the flesh of my once again toned arse. Thank Merlin riding a Hippogriff was excellent exercise for the thighs and buttocks, the rest of me may be far too thin but at least it was a start.

Remus moaned into my mouth as he pushed me to the wall pinning me with his hips; breaking the kiss only as the right hand joined the left in divesting me of my shirt. After tossing the garment casually to the floor, Re's arms circled my waist but quickly took opposite paths as one slid possessively down the leather fabric to once again pull my hips tight with his. The other drawing my head down to increase the power of his parted lips; already pressing hard against my own.

Convinced I had no intentions of breaking the electric exploratory of tongues, lips and teeth the hand that held my head and tangled demanding fingers through my hair and across my tingling scalp, now ran teasingly down my neck and across my shoulder. Leaving a tremor of gooseflesh in their wake the gliding wolf sharp nails traveled a zigzag path down bicep, to elbow, circled the too prominent area once and reversed its course to tease the hairs still standing at attention from is previous invasion. After a slight pause to caress my shoulder the eager fingers trailed like water droplets down my chest quickly stopping to circle their predetermined target of a pebble circled bud, just begging for attention from roughly twisting teasing fingers.

I could feel the shift between man and wolf as Moony tore his mouth from mine; dropping to his knees; his hands pressing my hips tight against the wall as his tongue circled then began fiercely fucking my navel; my hands tangled roughly through his hair begging for their own part in this rapidly progressing game.

As quickly as it began the wonderfully wet assault to my sensitive skin abruptly stopped. Dropping his head Re splayed his fingers wide across my hips moving them down and back to grasp firmly to my arse. He pressed his forehead to the fabric- concealed zipper then teasingly closed his teeth on the leathered covered prize that swelled within. With a deep sigh Remus moved his hands to his side and rose to his feet. Standing before me I watched the eyes of my struggling friend as he fought to control the beast within him. I could hear the argument in his soul as clear as if it were spoken aloud. He wanted this to be special, and although I would have been happy as long as he was the one ravishing me, Re wouldn't take me like a whore against the wall, not the first time anyway.

His battle won for the moment; Remus resumed the welcome contact with one hand placed gently on my waist, eyes silently instructing me not to move. After brushing his lips to mine in an almost chaste kiss, Re turned to face the center of the room. Raising his right hand he muttered a few hasty words and the room's illumination dimmed to only starlight save for the warming glow of candles on the bedside table. The softly growling pictures that adorned three of the four walls were shrouded in darkness and became silent as their muggle wall-mates. Remus turned back and smiled at me; answering the question he knew would fall from my lips.

"I don't think we need an audience the first go round," came Re's whispered explanation, his voice seasoned with desire, even as his face blushed faintly in the warm glow of the candlelight, "besides Padfoot tends to howl when he's excited." Remus smiled, and with a low sultry chuckle confirmed my newly comprehending look of awe.

"You mean to tell me that they.......? Padfoot has, and I...! Ah shit, like that's really fucking fair."

"Well, Siri what did you expect them to do alone in the dark for fourteen years?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow to further punctuate the question. "However if it's any consolation; I'd be happy to help you make up for lost time," Remus surveyed me as if he were mapping an outline for a Hogwarts lesson plan, "I'm afraid, however, we will have to relieve you of this lovely leather skin you've been laboring against all evening."

With a more than slightly wolfish grin, the man I had wanted so desperately as a boy quickly unzipped the confining fabric releasing my throbbing cock from its painful prison and was slowly sliding the unwanted garment down my thighs with his hands tracing every curve of the journey. Gracefully kneeling before me Remus leaned back on his heels to take in the sight of my naked form with unmasked longing.

I have never been uncomfortable with my body and thin as I was I still felt no shame as I stood before him, wishing only that he had not broken the welcome contact of his simple touch. I didn't have to wait long as Remus hesitantly reached out, gently combing his fingers down the long length of my thighs. I moaned at the incredible sensation the almost nonexistent touch sent pulsing through my stomach and cock. Then I realized I wasn't just being watched, I was being appraised, this intimate visual interrogation was the wolf's last test. I lowered my gaze, barely peaking through long black lashes, as I awaited the verdict; praying for a life sentence.

I could sense the change in Remus immediately as Moony's internal gavel pounded and judgment was passed, the long denied pleasures of the wolf would now be realized.

"You are so beautiful Siri," was all Re could utter before his face was buried in the soft inky hair that clouded my belly and groin; his nose softly tracing the base of the proudly erect cock rising tight against the springy black coat. His nose lightly bumping and nuzzling against my balls, I knew my scent was being committed to memory. Not as a pack mate as I was before, but as a life mate, as the one that would be longed for and loved, no matter what road we traveled, be it together or apart.

I desperately wanted to touch him, to pull him closer to me, to beg him to take me and claim me for his own. Instead I stood shivering from the overwhelming flood of emotion that was pulsing through every fiber of my being, as I waited for permission to become an equal partner in this age old joining of souls.

With a gentle whimper, Remus rested his hands on my all too bony hips and turned his tear filled gaze upward to meet my own.

"Sorry," He murmured softly, "animal instinct."

It had been many long years since I was in Remus Lupin's company, but the fact that a wolf fought very hard to govern his actions was not something I had forgotten, nor did I want to. For all my teenage years I wanted to fuck Remus well and proper, but I knew that this would not be that night. Moony would be leading this dance and I would move to the rhythm of the wolf's desire.

"Want to see you Re. Please," was my only reply as I gently drew the self-conscious form of my soon to be lover to his feet.

It wasn't as if I had never seen him naked, I had; and the well- worn memories had lasted through the long Azkaban nights. The scars were there but they were part of the beauty that defined Remus Lupin; beauty that encompassed intelligence, bravery, loyalty, a sharp wit, and yes; the soul of a beast. A beast to whom I would soon belong; and for whom I would willingly give my life to protect.

As I reached to push the shirt from his always-slender frame, Re finally met my stare, but sighed resignedly as the moonlight bathed his well- defined chest. The silver light accentuated the many scars that criss-crossed the opaline skin I could no longer wait to touch. A virgin I may be, but inexperienced I was not. Re's jeans hit the floor before he realized the buttons had been popped. Hmmm, no underwear, damn he had been quite the bad little tease all night, but now the teasing was over and the warm rush of reality was setting in.

As the stunning werewolf stepped slowly into the rays falling softly through the window, I was amazed at the sight of my childhood dream standing illuminated in the iridescent glow of moonlight and stars.

"You're incredible Remus," were the words I found though they were terribly inadequate for the ethereal creature that stood before me.

Smiling his appreciation, Remus took my hands in his and joined my arms around his neck. "Hold on", he commanded, then slide his own hands down my sides and gently cupped the bottom of my arse, finger tips meeting where the juncture of cheeks hides far more sensitive skin.

I gasped in surprise as the slender arms easily lifted me, my long legs instinctively circling around his waist and crossing at the ankles. Remus brought his lips to mine in a slow sucking kiss, our tongues colliding in long lazy strokes while his finger pads gently teased the circle of gathered skin whose gates had known no guests. Teased but sought no entrance this was simply a promise things to come.

Before I realized we'd moved he was gently lowering me to the quilt I'd been sitting on only a short time ago. I unwrapped my legs and slowly scooted closer to the headboard, propping my back against several large pillows that lined the blanket's top edge. Trying not to look as nervous as I felt, I drew my legs up slightly toward my chest, feet resting lightly on the bed.

Remus had settled himself on the floor, looking every bit the stalking wolf; legs folded under him, sitting back on his heels.

"Would you like some wine?" I offered remembering the bottle at the bed -side.

"No Siri, drinking in your beauty is far more intoxicating." Remus purred, as he slowly rose from his heels and prowled seductively up the length of the bed stopping only when he reached my toes. Again the werewolf sat back on his heels as he ran graceful fingers from the tips of my toes, across my feet, and up the long shins, finally resting slightly sweating palms atop my knees, gently pressing them apart and down. Remus crawled above me lowering his head to softly kiss my nose as the long luscious body lowered slowly to finally rest fully against my own. The moments that followed were long and uncounted as inquisitive fingers sought to learn every inch of sensitive skin. Our lips were locked in a desperate desire to determine every nerve ending which existed within the moist caverns our tongues so anxiously explored.

Remus broke the kiss with a gasp as regular breathing was forced to resume. A long pale finger was laid gently across my lips to silence Padfoot's whimpers as I realized the kiss would not continue.

"I need you, need to taste you," Remus's lust altered voice pleaded; as he pushed me back against the pillows. I shuddered with longing, as my every fantasy seemed to be coming true.

Remus worked his magic with torturous patience first cascading a trail of cautious nips and kisses along my jaw then lightly down my throat. I tensed in-spite of myself, wondering if this would be the moment, but Re simply nuzzled the soft flesh whispering quietly against my skin. "Not yet Paddy. Relax,"

The trail of Re's ministration was marked with dampened flesh and remnants of red-rimmed bites that left me pleading for more. As his attention turned from the now white tipped bud he had teased and twirled to tingling numbness my fingers savagely curled within the coolness of the simple cotton sheets, which now caressed my skin.

Finding the light downy trail of ebony hair leading from sternum to groin the wandering nose of the werewolf gently exhaled swirling apart the strands as a wet willful tongue flicked lightly within the shallow indentation it had fucked so furiously before.

The sensations flooding through my body at the realization of what was to happen momentarily were indescribable. My hands were no longer able to contain the desire to touch and tangle within the honey brown hair that lay fanned across my chest.

I pressed my head back hard against the pillow and tried to still the pounding of my heart as Re's slowly dancing fingertips brushed lightly along my cock. `Gods I'm going to explode and he's barely even touched me,' my mind screamed as his teasing breathe further tormented the weeping cleft.

Realizing this was a sight I had no intentions of missing I opened my eyes to the glorious vision of Re's hesitant tongue sneaking slowly out to claim the clear pearl of liquid and the waiting flesh on which it pooled. I heard a deep growl escape his throat as soft bites and kisses anointed the head of my full throbbing erection.

"Oh, gods. Please Remus, please don't make me wait," I begged trying not to push against his head and neck.

With one hand circled tightly at the base and the other caressing my balls, Remus licked one long powerful stroke up the underneath side of my heated dripping cock then casually raised his eyes to meet mine, a teasing light glowing behind golden orbs.

"You're not waiting Paddy," he corrected, "you're languishing, and trust me Siri it's a very arousing sight to behold."

But languish I would no longer. With a quick lick of his lips, Remus took me full within his mouth, not to the base, but damn it was hard to believe this was his first time. Ice cream cones don't really count. The sucking swirling lips and tongue gained speed and strength as I quickly neared the edge. My hands were now fully tangled in the loudly moaning werewolf's hair, my hips refused to stay still as I fucked his mouth harder than I meant to, my foot slamming against the bed, damn Remus was unfuckingbelievable. It had been so long since I'd experienced the attention of anything except my lonely fist I knew I wouldn't last long; I tried to warn him, but it was too late, only rambling profanity garbled from my throat as the tight tingling of my balls and the hot pulsing stream of release caused me to simultaneously push his head down and my hips up, effectively trapping Remus with my cock mid way down his throat.

I quickly released him, stroking his hair and gasping apologies between labored breaths. Remus however was busy enjoying the sight of my still convulsing hips and legs as he continued to torment the sensitive cleft seeming not to care that I had damn near choked him to death.

With one last feather light flick of his tormenting tongue Remus raised his eyes to mine and slowly changed position to kneel between my legs. His fingers toyed up my thighs, across the sensitive spot just recently abandoned then down to still unexplored areas. Brushing only lightly he brought his trembling hands back to my belly, playing with the soft hair circling my navel.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are," he whispered.

I leaned forward as did he; our mouths meeting in a deep wet kiss, allowing me to taste the salty richness he had just enjoyed. Pulling back I ran my fingers lightly down his chest tracing scars that told the story of almost four hundred transformations, I looked up into the glowing eyes, trying to convey the regret that he would never allow to be spoken. "From now on I'll be there for you, as often as I can." A gentle nod was all I needed to understand how much my words meant to him. Continuing their downward travel my hands brushed over the tawny fuzz of his flat belly before the sensitive pads of my fingers were awake with feeling as I softly stroked the head of his still throbbing erection.

I reached down gently holding Re's hand in my own as I guided two long fingers into the wet waiting recess of my mouth. Again I felt the already thickening nails as the hour of the wolf drew closer. Not wanting to seem concerned by the route the now well slicked and very sharp digits would travel, I steadily met Re's gaze as I released his hand, lied down and moved a pillow to the desired spot under my hips. I'd watched many of my dates assume this position just before I'd respectfully declined to fuck them senseless. I never would have believed that I would be the one being taken, instead of me taking Remus.

For a moment my tawny haired seducer sat motionless, an unreadable expression slowly masking the soulful eyes. If I'd not known better I would have likened it to pity or perhaps disappointment, but no, I knew he wanted this, wanted to claim me as his mate. Deciding it was nothing more than remnants of Azkaban paranoia, I met Re's still masked gaze and arranged my face in what I hoped was a 'take me I'm yours' kind of look, then leaned back into the surrounding pillows.

Knowing he would never mean to hurt me I closed my eyes, willing myself to appear relaxed, as Remus nudged my thighs further apart. Mind racing with memories, yet still focused on the moment I softly bit the inside of my lip, fingers twisting in the now wrinkled bedclothes, waiting for the discomfort if not outright pain of sharp probing nails, but the pain never came.

"Oh, gods, Re" my strangled voice moaned as I melted into a wondrous wet reality my mind had never dared to dream of.

How foolish of me to fear this carnal creature I'd loved for so long. No wonder he'd looked at me with such dismay; although I professed to love the wolf as much as I loved the man, I still did not understand the nature of the beast. I should have known that Moony would be gentle; claws were for trapping, scratching and maiming, not loving and mating. Oh no, it was the tightly rolled tongue teasing for entry that expressed the desire to caress and begin to make ready ones mate.

"Oh Remus, oh gods love, yes, fuck yes, please," I cried as the vehemently probing ribbon plunged deep, swirling velvet into tightly wrapped satin; producing a luxurious creation of sensation and sound. The sound of my guttural cries and Re's pleasure-filled moans. The sight of Re thin hips trusting steadily against the mattress. The sensation as he unfurled his tightly curled tongue and continued to twirl and torment until the throbbing heat of my cock was so close to erupting that I grabbed at his hair, begging him for the pleasure of his talented mouth to take me full in once more.

Remus quickly complied but just missed as the pulsing stream began to splatter belly and chest. Re still took me deep within his mouth gently sucking and licking until my breathing steadied and quivering hips lied still. Re obviously would be true to his promise of making up for lost time.

Smiling down at me, the beautiful face of my lover glowed golden in the candlelight, all except for one silver stream tracing from lip to rugged jaw line. I quickly licked it clean; the taste of my own essence lying full upon my tongue.

"Damn Moony, that ah.....well, mmmm.. werewolf stamina is pretty impressive," I commented taking in the sight of his still straining erection.

"You might not think it's that impressive when you can't walk come morning Paddy," the blushing werewolf hinted with more of a warning tone than I had expected.

"Well, Re it would be a great excuse to stay in bed all day," I replied arching my eyebrows seductively for effect, but inside my heart I knew it was time for the real dance to begin. Re's eyes were glowing with desire and I knew just what to do to avoid both pain and waiting. Re had carefully planned this entire evening, well now it was time he got something he didn't expect......a little show of my own.

I quickly flipped the surprised wizard onto his back and straddled him at the waist, pinning his hands under his arse. No, I wasn't that crazy, I realized Moony could throw me half way across the room with a powerful thrust of his hips if he wanted to, but I hoped he would play along and leave the trusting for more pleasurable moments.

Seeing the curious look, I answered by firmly rubbing my groin along his softly weeping cock, and watched with satisfaction as the golden eyes dilated with lust, and the thin hips arched against me, a long growl growing deep within his throat.

Still somewhat cautious of the nails and very well aware of the sensation his tongue had achieved I decided to take matters into my own hands, quite literally. Scanning the table with quick moving eyes Re obviously knew what I was looking for, or at least a suitable replacement.

"Top drawer," Remus instructed, "I planned on using it earlier but things progressed a little faster than I thought they would."

Checking the indicated area I found a bottle of V'TAE Sacred Fire massage oil. That'll work I thought; then made a mental note to use it after his transformation, the first post transformation that I would be able to care for him as I'd always wanted.

Expecting me to release his hands Moony growled low, as I switched my position keeping him playfully pinned. I was now facing away from him and though still spanning his hips I held his cock down so it was trapped against my belly. I pulled his knees up feet planted firmly on the bed to give my self a little extra balance. Looking over my shoulder at the stunned werewolf I slowly licked my lips as I moistened my fingers with the aromatic oil.

Keeping my eyes locked with Re's I gently reached back sliding one long finger within the waiting velvet channel. Sliding my hips slowly up and down I added a second finger while at the same time wrapping the trembling werewolf's cock tightly within my fist; the entire time the golden orbs were locked with mine. I knew the wolf could not tolerate the sight of his desired mate pleasuring himself so I wasn't surprised to feel strong hands on my hips tossing me easily to my back.

Within seconds Moony was positioned between my legs. I started to grab a pillow, but a sharp growl stopped me instantly. When he spoke Re's soft voice hinted of embarrassment for what the wolf would command him to do. "Don't worry about the pillow Paddy, you won't be on your back that long. I just want to see you the first time...." The eloquent professor's eyes softly closed and he could not finish the thought.

"Re, I love you and you never have to fight who or what you are. There'll be many long lazy nights for us, but we both know what tonight is meant to be, enjoy this first time Re, then let him have me, I'll give Moony everything he wants."

Satisfied I was still willing to be claimed by the wolf Remus wasted no more time; bracing one hand against my shoulder he sheathed his wet throbbing cock in one smooth stroke, filling me completely.

The pain was bearable and quickly changed to unspeakable pleasure as Re slowly moved inside me. Remus bent to press his lips to mine, his hips finding a gentle rolling rhythm as I moved in counterpoint. But he could not fight the wolf for long. With one last look into my storm tossed eyes, Remus pulled out and nudged my hips indicating for me to turn over.

Eager to regain the comforting fullness I took what I believed to be the desired position of hands and knees. I was correct but only for a moment. Re was on his knees behind me but before he entered me, he checked the alignment of our knees, calves and thighs, his pressed tightly to mine on all three counts.

This time he claimed me with slow, short thrusts; finally filling me to the base. Sliding his hands under my chest he pulled me gently back by my shoulders drawing me up to lean against him. The difference in our height made the angle perfect as his cock teased the waiting gland.

Fighting for balance I felt Re whispering in my ear, "Trust me Paddy, lean back against me. I won't let you fall my bright star."

Instantly I relaxed into him as he arched his back, his strong thighs lowering us almost to the bed and then slowly returning to our original upright position. As we arched back the next time Re's hands traveled my body, one twisting and teasing an already excited nipple, the other firmly stroking my cock as we continued the sensuous wave like motion. Trusting the werewolf strong thighs to carry our weight, I let my own hands wander wanting to feel the alabaster skin against my fingers. As we started our downward arch, I reached back and feeling Moonys taunt arse I stroked my hands all the way down his muscular thighs to the bend of his knees in time with our rhythm, then returning slowly up to the firm buttocks, squeezing gently as we started another downward run. The next time I kept my hands by his ass but delved deeper to caress and gently enter the tight ring of muscle. I had no idea the explosion my actions would detonate.

Having lurched to an upright position Re's hands abruptly left their points of arousal, one now holding firmly around my waist the other across my chest holding my arms down tight. My head fell instinctively back against his shoulder even as my long ebony cascaded around my own. Nuzzling into my neck I could hear Remus moaning into the soft flesh as he nipped at several spots. Finding the juncture of shoulder and neck he bestowed long licks then opened his jaws wide and claimed me as his own. The intensity of the joining was far more than I expected, I could hear the mind of the wolf as the desires and souls of three became one. The bite was deep but I knew no pain even as my blood stained his pale perfect lips. I had no fear of this man, I was his and he was mine. The soft laving tongue that cleaned the precious mark, only served to remind me how very special this bond truly was. I had the rest of my life to become an expert on the care and feeding of werewolves, but right now there was a low growling in my ear that signaled the time of the wolf's desire was beginning.

At last the one simple word I had waited so long to hear rumbled from his lips. "Mine" Moony growled for the first time as he placed his hands on my hips and gently pushed me forward until I was once again on hands and knees, his throbbing erection still tightly sheathed within me.

Grasping firmly to my hips Moony quickly introduced me to the hidden strength of the wolf, as the powerful thrusts came hard and fast. Wanting to be an equal partner I braced my self with too thin arms, pressing back against him, meeting him thrust for thrust. It was in this feral pounding fornication that I gained true freedom for the first time in fourteen years, maybe in my entire life.

I wanted Re to experience the incredible pleasure of mind melting orgasm he had given me twice already, so with each roll of his hips I gave my self, with each bite from piercing teeth I gave my soul, and with each moan that escaped my lips I gave my promise to the man I loved, my promise of forever. Over and over I gave everything I felt, had and was.

This was first time in fourteen years I was able to freely give. For so long everything had been taken from me, and I had fooled myself into believing the only way to feel control again was to take and to demand. I was so very wrong; this was feeling whole, this was feeling free. To invite Remus within my self; I wasn't letting Remus take me, I was giving myself to him and it was everything I needed to be healed and in that healing I found my strength renewed and was able to give back as good as I was getting.

Following canine thought I shook my head clearing my mind of everything except the glorious creature who was in indeed fucking me senseless. My long ebony hair swirled across my back then gently brushed the pristine white sheets as it fell again around my face and arms, Re howled at the sight and lowered him self across my back nuzzling the soft hair and reopening the fresh wound that proclaimed our bond.

Re never left the warmth of my body after the binding bite was placed upon my soul, the first time I felt him swell within me I cried out as sensation ripped through my organs in a way I could never imagine and describe.

"Damn Re, faster, faster, fuck me hard, please harder.....Sweet Merlin yes." As he pounded his hot sweaty body to mine, while pumping hard on my cock, I realized that heaven did have a name and I screamed it to the gods when he brought me to the edge and beyond again and again. Again and again the seed of his love filling me until I thought I could hold no more.

His heart had known love before me and his body was given in it's name, but I was the only one who would ever bring him to the heights of ecstasy he now enjoyed and bestowed in kind with bites of claiming, love and belonging, bites given only to me, his chosen mate. My mind and body soared in an epiphany of never-ending ecstasy.

Time was no longer measured in minutes and hours, but in growls, moans, cries and flashes of blinding light; where arousal needed no beginning and completion mercifully knew no end; marked by changes of position, from hands and knee, to knees and elbows. Finally I lay flat save for the pillows that cushioned bruised and aching hips; my fingers digging holes in the sheets as the wolf welcomed his final release. Sliding gently from the long occupied haven, my exhausted lover curled sated by my side.

"Are you alright Siri?" he asked apologetically, kissing the shoulder upon which his head gently rested.

"Never been better," I smiled, parched lips cracking with the gesture. "Love, is it safe to roll over now?" I teased, though if I'd seen the stricken look on his beautiful face I would have cried instead.

"I'm so sorry Paddy," he whispered tracing the line of my bruised and yes bloody hips. The claws of the wolf had grown careless within the control of the human host.

"It really didn't hurt, love." I told him in all honesty. I had rolled over and was now lying on my back, the comforting weight of my lover's head resting on my chest. As I slowly stroked his shoulder and arm I debated whether lying on my side would be the better option. Not wanting to disturb him and realizing the scratches on my hips would hurt worse than the pressure on my arse I decided to remain where I was.

Re's soft gentle fingers slowly trailed down my chest circling bruises as they went, finally he reached my cock, tenderly stroking both balls and shaft.

"Gods, Siri I can see the bruises from my fingers," the mortified professor gasped. "So long as they are never again the bruises from my own fingers I'll be happy," came my earnest reply.

After a few moments of comfortable silence Re voiced a statement I thought he'd never be able to make. "He's content Paddy, sixteen hours before the full moon and he's content. Moony's never been completely happy before, he's never been quite. It's because of you Siri, you silenced the torment of his soul. I wouldn't trade this for anything love." Re looked up to meet my amazed and slightly disbelieving stare. "No Paddy, not even for them. You are the life and love I'm meant for, and always have been." Re leaned down and lightly kissed the head of my painfully full cock his talented fingers had yet again teased to readiness.

"Did I mention that Harry is arriving the day after tomorrow," Re hinted casually, knowing damn well he hadn't said a word. "Don't misunderstand me Remus," I grumbled, "I'm thrilled at the thought of seeing Harry, especially this close to his birthday, but I was hoping I'd have a least a couple of days after the moon to let you.. mmmm .....suck-up to me for all these bruises, not to mention the small detail about me still being able to claim virgin status."

"Well Siri, you know I can still make that claim myself, and it appears you are primed for us to deflower each other." Remus smiled coyly at my unbelieving eyes.

"You're fucking serious," I said without thinking. " No, I _was_ fucking Sirius," he answered trying not to grin at the horrible pun I'd opened my self to. "I want to make love to you Re," I whispered all hint of humor having disappeared from my voice. No further words were spoken as I opened the oil and in turn gently prepared my amazing mate for a gift I'd longed to give him for far too many years. As I slowly entered him, my breath caught at the perfect union I was now sharing with the only lover I would ever know.

We never broke the contact of our tear-filled eyes while I moved within him my steady rhythm meant to last until the final tear was shed. When we finally broke we broke together. Staying within him as long as I could after my completion I gently lowered my sex scarred body next to the form of my already sleeping lover. I turned to bury my face in the sweet familiar scent that belonged only to my mate, my tears sliding slowly down Re's soft honey hair, shimmering silver in the early morning light. The mist on a spider web I thought to my self, and closed my eyes to savor the slightly silly image. Oh, yes the safe warm web of Remus Lupin's love was where I wished to be tangled for the rest of my life and all that lies beyond.


End file.
